


The Secret Santa App

by Crazyheart



Series: Apps of Love [5]
Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Falling In Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, SKAM Secret Santa, Secret Santa, Sexual Tension, anonymous texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-19 05:25:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13116981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyheart/pseuds/Crazyheart
Summary: Secret Santa AU, Isak’s and Even’s altering POV. In this world, Isak and Even met at Nissen, but they were never brave enough to do anything. Isak (25) is a stressed-out salesman for playground equipment. Even (27) is a freshly educated, burned out and lonely children’s psychologist. They meet again when Sana, Eva and Vilde arrange a Secret Santa party.Without knowing it, Isak and Even end up as Secret Santas for each other and they chat with each other on the Secret Santa App. Things happen. This story shows snapshots from the four Sundays before Christmas and Christmas Eve.





	1. Isak: Gløgg, Gingerbreads and Joy (First Sunday of Advent)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emmanette](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmanette/gifts).



> This fic is part of the Skam Secret Santa challenge, and it’s a gift to @Emmanette. I hope it's okay! :) Originally I planned a oneshot, but it got a little long, so I have decided to post it in five chapters. However, I will post it all within the next 24 hours. :D 
> 
> Thank you so much [@evakuality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakuality/pseuds/evakuality) and [@arindwell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arindwell/pseuds/arindwell) for proofreading and betaing for me, you are amazing! <3
> 
> I should probably explain some Norwegian stuff in this fic (all of them won't be mentioned in the first chapter. 
> 
> Advent wreath: We have this tradition where we light a candle the four last Sundays in Advent. I think this is a tradition in several other countries, too.
> 
> Gløgg: This is mulled wine. Sort of. It is made with cloves and cinnamon and served warm with a helping of almonds and raisins. We have a child-friendly version and a version with alcohol. 
> 
> Nissegrøt: This is a Christmas rice porridge. Some eat it on Christmas Eve, we use to eat it the day before Christmas Eve. This is served with butter, sugar, cinnamon and sometimes raisins. We have this tradition where we hide an almond in the porridge, and the one who gets it, wins a prize. 
> 
> Little Christmas Eve: This is the day before Christmas Eve. The traditions for this day mostly are about getting everything ready for Christmas.

_Now we light a candle tonight, we light it for joy_ _  
_ _For us who are present, it shines so brightly_

_Now we light a candle tonight, we light it for joy_

 

Inger Hagerup’s strong voice seeps from the radio and fills Isak’s car as he drives over to Eva and Jonas’s house. It’s Sunday, Dec 1st, the first Sunday in Advent. Isak doesn’t feel much of the joy that the poem speaks about.

If he lit a candle, he would light one for his missing life.

He’s miserable. He has a nice job as a salesman for playground equipment, and he’s doing great, but he always has this feeling that he wants _more_. He’s lonely, too. He has his friends, of course, and he's had some relationships, but nothing that lasted. He’s starting to wonder if he ever will have something long lasting like that, something like the thing Eva and Jonas have.

It’s dark outside and wet snow falls in front of the car. It should give him a sense of Christmas spirit, but it just makes him more irritable. He really doesn’t want to visit them tonight. Eva, Sana, and Vilde have conspired to make a Secret Santa party, and Eva has more or less forced Isak to come. It’s going to be awful. It’s Sunday, and a workday tomorrow, so he supposes they won’t even serve beer. That would at least have made everything a little more endurable.

He doesn’t know why he caved in. Well, maybe it has something to do with the guests. Sana, Vilde, and Eva have been talking about inviting all kinds of people, to make sort of a new Kosegruppa, and the idea did something to Isak. What if Even showed up? Isak knows that Even still hangs out with Sana’s brother, so it’s not totally unbelievable.

Even, with the long legs, swoopy blonde hair and shining smile... Even, the cool guy, who always had a kind smile and who looked at Isak like he was someone to pay attention to. Isak can’t help it, he would love to see him again.

Of course, Isak knows he is silly to think like that—Even is only his crush from Nissen, who he should have forgotten years ago. They had met at Kosegruppa, spoke one or two times, and Isak had this infatuation that he never acted on, but that lasted for years.

He still keeps track of Even, though, and sees him from time to time. Even will meet up with Sana sometimes, or at a party here and there. He isn’t on any social media, but he has popped up in someone else’s Insta or Facebook from time to time. Isak doesn’t know everything about him, but he knows that Even transferred to Nissen because he had an episode at Bakka and felt like he never could go back. Isak knows that Even had a girlfriend for many years, followed by only short-term things. That he’s pansexual. He knows that Even has bipolar disorder, that he has more or less control of. He had told some of his friends about it after a manic episode around Christmas when Isak was in second year. Even told Isak about it in the spring. That was about the same time that Isak discovered that Even knew his Biology buddy Sana, too.

Isak also knows that Even has studied for years to become a children’s psychologist. That he loves movies, music, and art. Fuck, Isak realizes that he knows quite a lot, after all. Isak feels like he’s some weird resigned stalker, but he just can't help following Even at a distance.

So he’s going to this Secret Santa thing, and he doesn’t really have any thoughts about what he will do if Even actually turns up. He will most likely just stare at him and not say a word, like he always does. It’s tragic, really.

However, when he turns up at Eva’s and Jonas’ place and spots Even in the other end of the room, and when Even sees him and smiles, Isak gets this feeling almost of _relief_. He exhales, and it feels like he has held his breath for ages. _God_ , it’s good to see him.

Isak still doesn't dare to go over to him, though.

He watches the other guests instead. The boys are there, Eskild and Linn are there, and so are Sana’s brother and his friends. And of course the girls. There are also some faces that Isak hasn't seen before. Everyone seems to be having a good time, and right now Isak is fine, watching them all quietly.

Eva comes over, giving him a big hug and offering him some gløgg and gingerbread cookies. Isak thanks her and takes a sip of the hot drink.

– Oh, you made an adult version? he grins, as he tastes the sweet mulled wine mixed with the Christmas spices.

– Of course, she grins and winks.

– Ah, but I’m driving, Eva, Isak sighs.

Eva brushes it away. – You can leave the car and get it tomorrow. Have some strong gløgg. And some beer later. Although I must recommend Sana’s spicy nonalcoholic gløgg, too. It’s really hot.

– Mm, Isak smiles, enjoying the spicy and sweet mulled wine. He supposes that she’s right. He can leave the car for one night.

The chat becomes lively around them, and he allows himself another look across the room. Even looks relaxed, happy and damned good. Isak feels the heat rise to his cheeks as Even looks in his direction. He grins and Isak looks away, knowing that if he continues to stare he will get lost in Even’s big blue eyes. Isak can feel his eyes still on him, so he silently inhales and exhales, hoping that Even’s thoughts about him are good.

Eva seems to want to have another word or two with Isak. She moves closer. – So… do you still have a crush on him?

Isak looks at her in flustered bewilderment. – Huh?

Eva gives him a telling look. – You know, Isak. _Even_. You told me about your crush at that Kosegruppa Christmas party in the second year at Nissen, remember?

– Oh fuck.

He had forgotten about that. He had been so lost for Even back then that it was ridiculous. – That’s _ages_ ago, Eva.

– Yeah, well. I always thought it was a pity you two never got together.

Isak shrugs, trying not to make a big thing out of it. – Well, not everyone gets a fairytale like you and Jonas, you know.

Eva laughs then, and she almost falls over from the laughter. – Fucking hell, Isak. Were you blind when we were younger? Jonas and I were so messed up most of the time, it’s hilarious.

– What? How?

Eva shakes her head. – At first, I was too dependent on him, and he was too avoidant and too hung up himself and his own ideals. Then I took such a long time to figure out what I wanted, and Jonas took a long time to figure stuff out, too.

– Do you mean when he dated others, and you hooked up with Chris?

– Yeah, and when I hooked up with Vilde. And others.

Isak stares at her. – Eva, are you telling me that you had a crush on Vilde?

Eva giggles. – Yeah, sure, why did you think I made out with her? To make a show for boys? No, it was hot. I’m bi, Isak, I thought you knew that.

Isak swallows. He really didn’t know that. – But you did choose Jonas?

– Yeah. It was love, you know. Vilde and I never hit it off like that. Jonas made me feel more... whole, I guess. After we both grew up a little, he saw me. And I saw him.

Isak sighs. – Like I said, a fairytale.

– Bullshit, Eva says. – Love is making choices, every day. Sure, it has its magical moments, but it’s not just magic. If you’re waiting for that, you’ll have to wait for a long time.

– Yeah, yeah, Isak frowns. – Are you saying that I should forget this magic feeling I have for Even and look for someone else?

– Aaaw.. magic feeling! Eva says, making a cute face. – And no, Isak, I am saying that you should do something more than just watch him from a distance. Take a chance for once in your life. Live a little.

She makes it sound so easy. Isak avoids her gaze. – Sure...

Eva shakes her head like she thinks it's a lost cause. – Did you download the Secret Santa app so that you can get your giftee?

– No.

Eva sighs and puts her mug with gløgg on a shelf next to them. – Well, give me your phone.

He hands it to her, and as she fiddles with his phone, he shoots another look across the room. Even looks back again, giving him another tingling feeling along his spine. Isak feels like an idiot when he quickly drops his eyes again. He tries to hide his confusion by drinking another sip of the gløgg. _Damn_ , it must be strong stuff, because he already feels a little tipsy.

– Here, Eva says and hands him his phone. She smiles at him. – Seems like you have been assigned a giftee already. Maybe we all have.

She pats his back and moves on, and Isak looks closer at his phone and the Secret Santa app. It seems fairly simple, it’s an app that shuffles the names from this party so that they can be Secret Santas to each other. It seems like it’s possible to text the giftees on the app, too. That could be handy. Isak clicks on his giftee and almost chokes when he sees the name pop up.

_Even Bech Næsheim._

Fucking hell. _Send me an anonymous greeting_ , it says.

Isak’s thumb hovers over the keys for a moment, before he starts typing.

_Hi, Even, looks like you’re stuck with me as your Secret Santa. What do you want for Christmas?_

The answer is quick: _If you know me, you know what I like._

_Don’t try to figure out who I am, I’ll never tell! :) So, you have no special desires for Christmas this year?_

_Oh, I have plenty of desires. ;)_

_Like what? ;)_

_Like, I would love to do better at work, or not be as messy all the time, or wait, to learn to say no. Yeah, and I would love to meet someone, preferably a hot person, that I could live happily ever after with. Could you arrange that?_

Isak’s heart beats a little faster when he realizes that Even wants to meet someone. Why can’t Isak be that someone? Could he be? He shakes off that impossible hope and writes an answer: _Well, I can’t promise anything, but I sure can try. :D_

He notices that the app pings in phones around him, as all the guests get their first messages.

– You’re allowed to send a message or two now, Sana says, – but remember that this is supposed to be a party, and it won’t be if everyone is staring at their phones.

Isak smiles as he hears his own phone pinging.

_Hi, I’m your Secret Santa, Isak, your wish is my command. :)_

_Oh, that sounds interesting_ , Isak types back.

_I hope it will be! What do you want for Christmas?_

Isak doesn’t know what to answer. What does he want? He has all the things he needs. Even’s Christmas wishes go through his head.

 _Honestly?_ he types.

_Yes, please, that would be nice._

_I wish to do something meaningful. I feel like I’m wasting my life away, to be honest, and I’m so fed up._

For a moment he wishes he had the courage to write his own wish to get together with someone special. He doesn’t.

 _That’s dark,_ his Secret Santa answers.

_Yeah, I guess you caught me in a bad mood. But that's what I wish for, anyway._

_Well, that’s not a small wish, but I’ll do my best_ , the Secret Santa answers.

And now Isak is very curious. Normally, he would have guessed who it was from the phrases used, but now, he has no idea.

– Let’s eat, Vilde bellows over the crowd, and they all gather around the big table. – We have put out table cards, to make sure that you all get to know new people. But remember, the Santa assignments are random, so there’s no point in guessing who it is from your seating. Okay? Dig in!

As Isak gets close to the table, his heart speeds up. For yeah, something tells him that Eva or some of the others have been meddling. Isak is seated right next to Even.

He approaches Even slowly. When Even looks at him and smiles, Isak can’t help smiling back. His pulse thunders in his ears.

– Halla, Even says, grinning. – Seems like you’re my date.

Oh, and that’s a nice idea. Up close Isak notices how Even has become a grown man. He still looks just as good. His eyes are just as blue, his neck is just as long, and his hair is just as swoopy.

– Halla, Isak answers, blushing. – That’s cool.

Even smiles and looks him over. – I like your shirt, it’s nice.

Isak gets flustered and tries to hide it behind a cocky face. – Thanks, well…  just because you like my shirt doesn’t mean it’s coming off tonight.

 _Oh fuck_ , where did that come from? He grimaces. – I mean, sorry, thanks, I just tried to be funny there for a moment.

Even just laughs, still looking at him. – You _are_ funny, Isak. And I promise that I’ll only take your shirt off if you want me to.

He winks, and the strange attempt at a wink makes Isak laugh. _God_ , he is adorable.

They all sit down, and as they start passing food and filling up their plates, Even looks at Isak. _Those eyes._ Even looks at him like he’s studying something interesting, and Isak can’t look away.

– So, what do you think about this Secret Santa thing? Even asks.

Isak tries to breathe slowly, to calm down. – Well, I guess I should admit that I’m not a big fan of Christmas, he says, licking his lip. – Or happenings like this. But it still might be fun.

Even’s eyes linger on his face for a moment. – Oh, I’m sure it will be. I totally get that Christmas isn’t for everyone. It can be a bit much. However, I cherish everything about Christmas, and I love things like this. Makes me feel like I’m a kid again.

He smiles. Isak watches his smile and has no problem imagining that. He nods and takes a bite from the food. _God_ , that’s good. He gives a small sound as he savours the amazing taste. – Fuck, if nothing else, the food’s fucking amazing.

Even laughs so that his eyes crinkle. – That’s good then, he says, and takes a bite, too. Then he pours Isak some beer.

 _Fuck_ , that laughter does something to Isak. He has to try to make Even laugh some more. – Thanks, he says, raising an eyebrow. – Are you trying to get me drunk, or something?

Even laughs again. His eyes sparkle when he looks at Isak. – Oh, are you afraid that I’ll get you drunk and take advantage of you? he asks in a low, dark voice. – I’m just not that kind of guy, Isak.

Isak feels so hot in his cheeks. – You’re not?

– Not at all, Even says, keeping his gaze. –  I need trust, comfort, and connection first.

– Okay, so that’s what rocks your boat. Good to know.

They both laugh now. Isak feels like he’s blushing from his head to his toes. He takes a deep gulp of his beer.

Even looks at him and raises his eyebrows. – So… How are things, Isak? Are you still in the playground equipment business?

Isak is surprised that Even remembers. – Uh. I’m not sure it’s my dream job, but I got this job when I had this study crisis and I had no idea what to do, and now I’m kind of happy with it.

– Yeah, I thought that you wanted to work with something that requires the science subjects.

– I sort of did, yeah. In my job now I work with planning, sales, and IT, and I get to work a lot with problem-solving, but it’s not exactly Physics or Science. It sure isn’t Biology. I kind of like the freedom in my job, though, with all the travelling and stuff, and I have learned so much about marketing, but I guess I wish I had finished my degree.  

He takes a deep breath. _Fuck_. He never usually talks much about this. Even really makes him open up. – How about you? he asks. – You’re still working as a psychologist, right?

– Yes, I am, Even nods, and looks almost tired. – And I am... kind of… slowly burning out, to be honest. I am working my ass off, and all the stories the kids tell me are getting to me. So yeah. Apart from that, it’s alright.

He laughs a little, but Isak can see the sincerity in his eyes.

– I didn’t know it was that rough, Isak says.

– No, well, I tend to pretend that everything is fine for far too long. So I say yes to everything until the work piles up and I’m almost suffocating. I’m just expecting someone to figure me out, sooner or later. You know, I should specialize as a clinical child psychotherapist; that would give me 200 000 kroner more in salary each year, but I’m too afraid of the responsibilities that a title like that would give me, so I keep postponing it.

– Aren’t you a child psychotherapist already?

– Nah, that’s like a doctorate. I’m just a regular psychologist. But I should specialize. Most psychologists do.

– Wow, Isak chuckles. – That’s some twisted avoidance right there.

Even laughs. – Sure is.

Isak smiles, it feels kind of nice to hear that Even doesn’t have this perfect job situation either. – You know, to be focused on your career isn’t everything. If you can find a way to be happy with your job, that must be more important than your degree or income, right?

Even stares at him, like he’s said something he never thought of before. – Yeah, you’re kind of right.

Isak sighs. – Of course, he says, – I’m always right. He smiles, to show that he’s (partly) kidding. – Well. I guess that work was sort of a depressing subject, he says. – Are you still into movies and shit?

Even breaks out in another wide smile, and _oh, shit_ , it’s beautiful.

– Yeah, sure, it’s practically all I ever do after work. If I’m not making movies, I’m watching movies. And you? What do you do in your free time?

– Nothing, basically. I workout, watch Netflix, read a book or two or hang out with my friends.

Even nods, and asks him about his favourites. Isak answers, and as he does, he realizes that he’s having a _great_ time. Actually, he’s having more fun with this party than he ever thought he would. They eat and talk about everything from hobbies to favourite music and movies, about what they like and don’t like. When they talk, Even looks at him with his blue eyes, and Isak can't help but meet his gaze. Something in his eyes makes Isak wonder if there just might be a small hope for something between them. And it gives him a tingling feeling up his spine.

It surprises him that they have some common music heroes although Even has some questionable hangups on some cheesy pop songs.

– Don't be a music snob, Even laughs. – I’m sure you love the most cheesy songs deep down. I’ll figure you out, just wait and see.

Of course Even’s right, but Isak will never admit to that. Not now, anyway.

Isak tells him more about his studies in biology and passion for science and about weird scientific theories, and Even tells him how he ended up studying psychology, because he wanted to understand people, but that he ended up getting stressed out by the fight for good grades. That he chose to finish his studies because it felt safe and because he wanted to keep the filming as a hobby. Isak tells Even that he dreams of studying more, but that he fears that he won't be good enough.

Isak doesn't know if it’s the beer or the good vibe in the room but they talk like they have known each other for years, and he loves it. He just wishes that they had known each other like that, for real.

When Even excuses himself to go to the bathroom ( _don’t miss me too much_ , he whispers), and Isak feels like he’s been in a bubble for hours. He turns to his left, and catches Sana watching him. It’s like she looks right through him.  

– Having a great time? she asks. And, of course, she does. Sana knows him well.

Isak blushes. – Yeah, sure, this is great.

– You weren’t so enthusiastic yesterday? she grins. – What’s changed?

Isak groans. – Oh, fuck off, did Eva tell you?

Sana shakes her head but grins knowingly. – Almost everyone knows, stupid. You look like you could eat him up.

 _Oh. Really?_ Isak stares at her in shock, but then someone else catches her attention. And then his phone pings.

 _You look like you’re having a great time_ , his Secret Santa writes. _How are you doing?_

Isak looks around, but can’t see any of the guests with their phones. He writes an answer: _I didn’t have great expectations, but I’m really enjoying myself, actually. Great food and good company._

_Sounds good. Let me know if you have more wishes for your Santa. ;)_

_I will!_

Isak smiles. He starts to think about the fact that he’s a Santa too, so he types out a message to Even, trying to be as flirty as he possibly could be.  

_You are looking good tonight, Even, and it seems like you’re having fun. This Secret Santa happening is just your thing, isn’t it?_

_It sure is, Santa! And thank you. I am having a great time. All these happy people gathered together just make me glad, too._

_That’s cool, Even. Enjoy yourself! A good friend basically told me to live a little. I could pass that good advice on to you._

_Oh, that is some good advice, I can do that! :)_

Isak puts his phone away, to make sure that Even doesn’t catch him when he comes back. He meets Jonas’ gaze across the table.

– Everything good? Jonas asks, raising his bushy eyebrows.

– Yeah, it’s great, Isak smiles. He wants to say more, but the chatter and laughter in the room make it difficult to be heard. He settles for a smile and a nod.

Jonas looks very pleased. – Later, he says, and dives back into a deep discussion with Noora and Mahdi.

Even flops down next to him. – So, have you missed me, baby?

 _Baby_. Isak can’t find his voice. He feels his cheeks flush hot, and his stomach is heavy. He takes a deep breath and smiles. – Yeah, you’re a dork, you know.

– I know. So, have you figured out who your Secret Santa is yet?

Isak shakes his head. – Not a clue. Actually, I thought it would be a lot easier. How about you?

– No, I really don’t know, Even answers, and shrugs. – This whole thing is exciting, though. I think I have a good idea for a present for my giftee.

– Already? I’m impressed. I don’t know _at all_. Was there a price limit?

– Yeah. 200 kroner. It makes it almost impossible to find something, but that’s the fun of it.

Isak sighs. – I hear you. It sounds like I might need a little help figuring out what to give.

Something twinkles in Even’s eyes. – Oh, I’d be happy to help, Isak. Maybe we could go Christmas shopping one day?

 _Oh my god._ Isak doesn’t know where to look. His heart pounds in his throat, threatening to break out. The thought of doing the Christmas shopping with his biggest crush is anything but reassuring. The fact that Even is his giftee is also worrying, of course. How could he do his Christmas shopping with Even?

He fakes a smile. – Ha ha, yeah, that could be cool.

– What is this? You don’t look enthusiastic at all?

Even leans closer, and _oh my god_ , he puts his arm around Isak’s shoulders. _Fuck_ , he had forgotten how touchy and feely Even could be. Isak’s skin tingles where Even touches him and his heart beats erratically in his chest so hard that he thinks it might fly out.

– No, I just… Christmas shopping isn’t my favourite activity, I guess.

– Fair enough.

How come Even’s smile can shine so much?

Isak tries to remain calm. But how is that remotely possible with his heart somersaulting and with Even sitting dangerously close to him, his sandy hair tousling haphazardly in a way Isak has come to adore and Even’s blue eyes locking him into a trance with such intensity; looking away is unthinkable.

His paralysis is interrupted by Eva, who speaks to them all. – This has been so lovely my friends, but this evening is coming to an end!

Aaaw’s and ooh’s rise around the table.

Eva laughs. – Yeah, I know. But we’ll meet up again, guys. Just remember to keep in touch with your giftees and Secret Santas, so this can be a fun thing for everyone.

She gets some cheers for that.

– Let’s toast for lovely gifts and nice surprises!

They toast, and Eva sighs happily. She looks a little tipsy but mostly very glad. – It’s so nice to see all of you here, on the first Sunday of Advent. Oh, we should light the first light in the Advent Wreath, she suddenly says. – That could be a nice way to end this gathering. Let me just find the candles, guys...

And she’s gone.

Isak shoots a glance at Sana. – It doesn’t bother you? he asks. – Lighting the candles and everything?

Sana laughs. – Nah. I have nothing against Norwegian traditions. It’s not like Christmas is only a Christian tradition, anyway.

Isak grins. – True.

He turns back to Even. Even looks at him and smiles, and Isak struggles a little to find the words again. – So. It seems like the evening’s over soon.

Even nods and sighs. – Yeah, it’s a pity. I had a lot of fun tonight.

– Yeah, me too.

Even smiles. – Good. So… I can’t tempt you to come Christmas shopping with me one day, then? It could be fun, you know?

Isak blushes. – Uhm… Maybe?

Even slides closer. He looks into Isak’s eyes. – You know what? I got some really good advice today, he said.

– Yeah? What was that?

– To live a little.

Isak raises an eyebrow. – Profound.

– Maybe not. But it’s good advice, isn’t it?

– Uhm. Sure.

Isak forgets everything and everyone else. The sound of everyone chatting fades away as the only thing he can see is Even. Isak can’t tear his eyes away. Even’s face is so close. And now he reaches out and lets his hand rest on top of Isak’s. His eyes hold Isak’s gaze, and there’s a careful question in his eyes. _Oh fucking hell_ , is this really happening?

He can’t do this, can he? Can they do this?

Even’s lips look so soft, so tempting. Isak can’t help himself. His hand reaches up and his fingers gently touch Even’s cheek. Then he traces Even’s bottom lip lightly with the tip of his finger. It pouts slightly, and Isak has such an urge to bite it, to kiss it, to wrap Even up in a hug and never let go. Even’s lips feel slightly chapped under Isak’s light touches but he simply cannot bring himself to give a damn.

The chatter suddenly quiets down around them, and Isak is dragged out of his trance. He blushes and wonders if anyone has noticed how gone he is. However, everyone is looking at Eva, who stands at her place with a big Advent Wreath in front of her. It looks beautiful, but Isak’s mind is not quite there at all. _Even…_ He almost kissed Even… And now he lost his chance. _The evening’s over soon_ …. He stares at Eva as she lights the first candle in the Advent Wreath. – _Now we light a candle tonight_ , she says. _We light it for joy…_

Isak listens to the words and they suddenly make sense. _Joy._ That’s it. He can’t fight this. There’s just something about Even that makes him feel like a life without him would be grey and meaningless. He can’t let Even slip away. Not this time.

He can’t hold back any longer. He turns so that he faces Even again, and _whoa_ , Even’s still sitting close, still watching him, still resting his hand on Isak’s. Isak leans forward, almost like he’s going in for a hug. Isak feels Even’s cheek against his, and then his nose.

His lips gently brush Isak’s and Isak breathes in the smell of him as they press their lips together. God, Even’s lips taste so sweet, of gløgg, wine and Christmas spices. Even smiles into the kiss as Isak’s fingers tug at his hair and his other hand pulls at his shirt. Even’s warm hands roam all over Isak’s back, leaving a trail of sparks in their wake.

Even lets go of his mouth, only to kiss his neck. – God, you’re beautiful, he whispers so Isak feels his warm breath in his ear. Isak wrinkles his nose in protest.

– Shut up and kiss me again, he whispers back.


	2. Even: Mistletoe of Hope (Second Sunday of Advent)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even is on his way to Sana and Yousef’s, for dinner. He can't forget that he kissed Isak last weekend. He can't forgive himself for not asking for Isak's number. However, he has met Isak again, and he is Isak’s Secret Santa, after all, and it's almost like the world is telling him that this is it; this is his chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this! :) Please let me know what you think!

_ Now we light two candles tonight, two candles for hope and delight _ _  
_

_ For us who are present they shine so bright _

_ We light two candles tonight, two candles for hope and delight _ __  
__  
  


It’s Sunday December 8th.  Even is on his way to Sana and Yousef’s, for dinner, something that normally puts him into a good mood. He listens to the advent poem on the radio, and realizes that he isn’t in a good mood at all.  _ Hope _ and  _ delight _ , fuck, if only he could feel an ounce of that.

Things were so great last Sunday, with the Secret Santa party where he finally got to exchange some words (and a little more) with Isak. Isak, the boy with golden locks and green eyes that Even never forgot, and who has grown up to become a handsome, well built man. But the eyes were the same. They hadn’t changed at all.

God, the feeling when he saw Isak there at the Secret Santa party, smiling at him from the other side of the room. It felt like Even finally could breathe out, like he had finally come  _ home _ . In fact, it reminded him of the very first time that he saw Isak, on his first day at Nissen. He had felt curious and smitten, but he had also had that same feeling of relief, and  _ home _ . Of course, at the time he was with Sonja and knew that feelings like that were pointless, but he would never forget that feeling.

Even knew he was a fool, for crushing on a guy for eight years. He just couldn’t help keeping his eye out for Isak. Although Even wasn’t on social media, he managed to follow every move Isak did through his friends. It was pathetic. Bordering on pathological, maybe. He couldn’t really give a damn. Isak was the one who got away, and Even never seemed to be able to forget him.

And now Isak was there, again, and Even got to be Isak’s Secret Santa, too! It was almost like the world was telling him that  _ this was it _ ; this was his chance.

For a while it really seemed like it. He managed to say more than two words, without making a fool of himself. Well, mostly. In fact, Even had enjoyed himself more than he had done in ages. Sana had even commented on it.  Everything was Christmassy and sweet and lovely. And scary, too. Even shifted between wanting to touch Isak, and pull him close and kiss him in one moment, and feeling overwhelmed and scared shitless in the next.

Then, they actually did it. They kissed!

Even couldn’t believe it, but it happened. Their lips brushed against each other, pressed together, and Even lost himself in the sensations with Isak. He couldn’t hold back a smile, the whole thing made him so happy.

Afterwards they were caught up in the chaotic tumble when everyone got ready to go home. Isak was there right in front of him, giving him an awkward hug, and then he was gone.

Even forgot to ask for Isak’s number.

That’s just… so unbelievably stupid. Even grinds his teeth as he finds a parking place outside Sana’s and Yousef’s house. Of course, he could have asked Sana for Isak’s number, but he wasn’t sure that it was what Isak wanted. And Isak could have asked for Even’s number, if he wanted to. But Isak never contacted him. So. They haven’t talked at all since they kissed. Since Even proclaimed that he wanted to live a little. _ Fucking hell. _

Even keeps sitting in the car for a moment. Why does he always do this? Why does he always postpone things until it’s too late, and then he doesn’t dare to do them at all? It doesn’t help that he’s stressed out at work, of course. It’s the same there. When things get too difficult, or he has too much to think about, he puts things off. Until it’s too late. Thank god things still work with his patients, that’s the only thing he feels that he does right.

Everything’s just a mess. His flat looks like a pigsty, too, because he has no energy to do anything other than stress over everything he should do. He hasn’t had energy to make a movie in ages, either. He feels like such a failure, it’s ridiculous.

He isn’t even depressed (well, being burned out is maybe not so far from being depressed, but it’s not like one of his episodes). He still gets out of bed and showers, eats and goes to work. He just doesn’t do adulting very well.

This last week, he has embraced his role as a Secret Santa, though. He feels like he has been trying to compensate for the fact that he couldn’t contact Isak on his phone. So he contacted him, anonymously, through the app instead.  _ Great _ .

The problem is, he couldn’t kiss Isak through the app. He couldn’t flirt much with him either, without Isak figuring out who he was (he didn’t have that many moves to choose from). And Even wanted to flirt with Isak, and he wanted to kiss him again. He ended up chatting about nothing and maybe teased a little, but that was all.

_ So how are things? _ Even had typed in the app.

The answer was quick:  _ Nah, I’m mostly bored. _

_ It sounded like you had such a good time on the weekend. What happened? _

_ I’m just an idiot. I’ll tell you no details, but I have some serious regrets. _

_ Oh yeah? Did you get drunk? Or did you hide something in Eva’s house that you shouldn’t again? _

_ Fuck you! Wait, there are only a few people who know that story, you know. _

_ Oh, knowledge spreads sometimes, Isak. _

_ Right. You’re kind of a dork, Santa.   _

_ That’s not nice. Are you always like this or just with guys you find irresistible? _

_ Wait, what, you’re a guy? _

_ Yup. I’m your Secret Santa guy. _

_ Dork. :) _

Even’s own Secret Santa contacted him, too. They had mostly been chatting about silly things, and his Santa was far more careful about his details.

_ Do you know me well?  _ Even had asked, and decided to take advantage of the fact that he was in contact with some anonymous person.

_ I can’t tell you that!  _ his Secret Sana answered.

_ Well, do you know that I have a tendency to sort of postpone things that scare me? _

_ If I didn’t I do now. So? _

_ You told me to live a little. I tried that, and now I don’t know how to continue doing that. _

_ I thought you were an impulsive guy, Even. You should just jump into it. _

_ Yeah, well. It’s too early in our relationship for you to be bossing me around, Santa. :P _

_ Hah. You’re kind of a dork, you know. _

_ Yes I am. :) And I guess you’re right. I’m not sure I’ll do it, though. _

_ Fair enough. _

Dealing with the Secret Santa stuff wasn’t that bad.

Even finally gets out of his car, lost in thoughts. He knows that he still wastes far too much time trying to figure out how he can contact Isak again, without looking like an idiot. Since he’s eating with Sana and Yousef tonight, he hopes that he can get the courage to ask for his number. He should try to be brave for once, it’s about time.

When he rings the doorbell, Sana is the one to open the door. Beautiful Sana with her dimply smile and stars in her eyes. He gives her a warm hug, thanking her for the invite.

– Hi, Even, great to see you, she smiles.

– Good to see you too, Sana. Am I late?

– Not at all. Jonas and Eva aren't here yet, and Yousef is still cooking. Actually, I should help him. Can you just chill out in the living room? You can keep Isak company.

_ Say what? _

Even stares at her. – Uh, Isak?

Sana smiles widely, and winks. – Yeah, Isak. You two should probably talk a little? I haven’t forgotten what you told me at that party years ago, you know. And I saw how you connected last Sunday. It’s about time you two figure out if this is something worthwhile or not.

Even doesn’t know what to say, so he ends up coming out with a strangled sound. He’s not prepared for this. He doesn’t know what to say to Isak, or do. But he knows that he has to try.

Sana laughs, and goes into the kitchen.  Even walks slowly towards the living room.

He stops for a moment in the doorway. He sees Isak sitting on the couch, looking bored and slightly miserable. Well, he looks beautiful, of course, but miserable, too.

Even walks inside and Isak looks up. Dark green eyes lock onto him. Isak looks kind of indifferent, but Even guesses that it’s a facade. You can’t be totally indifferent after kissing someone, can you? He hopes not.

– Hi, Even says, as he walks up to him.

Isak stands up to greet him. – Hi.

Even's heart thumps so hard that he swears it’s audible, their eyes meet and Isak smiles. It’s only a small smile, but it’s enough to make Even go weak at the knees.  

They share an awkward hug. But warm. Even wants to hold him forever, but knows that he has no right to.

– So… Last time...

Isak smiles. – Yeah, it was fun.

_ Fun?  _ Even realizes that he’s talking about the Secret Santa party, not the kiss.

– Yeah it was, it was great.  

Even doesn’t know how to talk about what happened. He only knows that he wants to see Isak again. He want to kiss him again, too. – So I heard that Chris Berg is arranging a sort of gathering on Friday. You know, for Lucia.

Isak raises his eyebrows. – Friday 13th?

– Yeah, it’s my lucky day. Are you going?

_ Please say you’ll come _ , Even begs in his mind.  _ Please. _

– No, I don’t know? Maybe? Are you?

He looks a little flustered, and Even takes a chance.

– Join me? We could have a coffee and… you know, chat a little before we go to Chris’s?

His heart races again, but he hopes that he manages to look calm.

– Yeah, sure, Isak nods, smiling a little.

_ God _ , Even loves it when he smiles.

– Cool.

In just that moment, the doorbell rings.

– I can get that, Isak says, hurrying for the hallway. – It’s probably Jonas and Eva.

Even watches him go. So, Sana and Yousef have invited Eva, Jonas, Isak and him. Why does he get this weird feeling that this is sort of a setup? Probably because it is. Sana is a minx. Even doesn’t care, though. He’s just glad that he has a plan to meet Isak again.

When Isak comes back in with Eva and Jonas, Yousef and Sana join them as well. Even smiles when he sees that Sana’s brother Elias is joining them too. They’re going to be a good gang.

The food is served, and they’re all gathered around the table. Sana puts Isak down at the end of the table, and says to Even to sit at the place on his right. Sana and Yousef sit on his left. And Even has Eva by his other side.

The food is served and they talk and have a good time. Everything tastes amazing, and the guests loudly praise it all. Even still feels like he’s sitting on edge, wondering what he should or shouldn’t say to Isak. In the end, they just talk some more about the Secret Santa thing.

– So, have you kept in touch with your Secret Santa? Isak asks, taking a big bite of the food.

Even watches him chew. – Yeah, sure, it’s fun. I have no clue who it is, though.

Although a weird part of him hopes it’s Isak. The way they both call him dork all the time makes him wonder.

– Me neither. I just know that mine is a dude.

– Well, it narrows it down a bit, I guess. Have you still not figured out what to give as a Santa?

Isak cocks his head. – Actually, I’m starting to get an idea. It’s going to be a weird gift, though.

– Why weird?

– Because I decided to get just what my giftee wished for, Isak says. – And that’s kind of weird.

Even nods. He sinks down in his chair, thinking that Isak can’t be his Santa, then, because he hadn’t wished for anything weird at all, he had just ranted about how he wanted to do better at work and meet someone hot. He should probably send a new message with a useful wish.

– How about you? Isak asks.

Even thinks for a moment. – I know what sort of gift I wanna give, but not exactly what. It was a serious wish, so I should take it seriously.

– Oh, yeah, Isak says, and looks thoughtful.

Even wonders what to talk about next. He just wants to keep talking to Isak, and keep meeting his gaze and keep hearing his laughter.

– Are you talking about your Secret Santas? Eva asks, looking curious. – Is everything okay?

– Sure, Even nods and smiles. – It’s a fun thing to do.

– Yeah, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, Isak adds.

– Wow, Sana laughs. – What’s happening? Where’s the Scrooge Isak that I know?

– He’s finally gotten the Christmas spirit, Jonas comments from the other end of the table. – I haven’t seen him this chill about the whole thing since we were kids.

Isak looks adorable when he blushes. – Shut up.

He moves on his seat, and Even tries to pretend that he doesn’t notice Isak’s leg touching his.

– There’s one thing I wonder about, Yousef says. – How are we supposed to exchange the gifts? And figure each other out?

– I told you this weeks ago, Sana sighs. – We’re exchanging the gifts Sunday the 22nd. And then we will guess who our Santas are. The first to guess will get a prize.

– Shit, if I knew this, I would have been a little more secretive, Even sighs.

Isak laughs as he looks at him. – They told us that from the beginning?

He narrows his eyes. – So what have you revealed so far?

Even just shrugs, knowing he can’t say a word. – Can’t tell you. I’d better be more secretive about the whole thing.

– Yeah, you probably should, Isak smiles. He pats Even on the arm and has probably no clue about how it affects Even.

The chat becomes lively around the table for a while, and Even tries to follow the talk the best that he can. It’s difficult, since he keeps thinking about Isak, his lips, and how much he wants to kiss them. Or how much he wants to have Isak to himself, and talk with him. Hear his laughter again.

– So, you really hate Christmas? Even asks, trying to reel Isak in again.

– I don’t hate it, Isak protests. – I just get a bit moody this time of the year. I have had my share of awkward Christmases, especially after my parents split up and my mom got sick.

Even nods. He knows that Isak has had some rough times because of his family, and his sick mother. Isak has told him a little, and other things he has picked up from his friends. – I guess something like that would ruin it, he nods.

– It’s not just because of that, Isak is quick to add. – I guess that dad working through Christmas and never being there, combined with Mom’s grandiose plans that never came through… well I guess I got used to not expect too much early.

He shuts his mouth. – Sorry. I don’t mean to…

– It’s alright, Even interrupts. – I can tell you about the Christmas when I baked thirteen types of Christmas cookies during one night, if it evens out things? Or the about the Christmas when I was so depressed that I didn’t manage to open my presents before on my birthday?

– February? Isak asks, looking a little baffled. He leans closer and stares at him, like he doesn’t want to miss a thing.

_ Isak knows when my birthday is?  _ Even wonders, and blinks. – Uhm. Yeah it was rough. My meds was fucked up, for some reason I can’t remember.

– How come you still love Christmas? Isak asks.

Even has to think for a moment. – I didn’t want those episodes to have any power over me, I think. So I fought to find things that could give me the Christmas spirit. Like baking, helping Mom, buying a funny Santa figure, or maybe some bright lights. Watch a silly Christmas movie, maybe.

Isak stares at him, and Even can almost hear him thinking. Then he nods. – I like that, he says.

Even realizes that it starts to get late, and one person after the other says that they should go. Even keeps sitting as several of the others get up and leave the table. He turns to Isak and tries to seem nonchalant. – Could I get your number? So that we could decide the time and place for Friday?

Isak smiles then. – Sure. Wait, I can just send you a text. Sana gave me your number.

_ Isak asked for his number?!  _ Even can’t believe it.

Isak seems not to notice the feelings rushing through Even. He picks up his phone, and a beat later, Even’s phone pings.

_ It’s Isak. :) _

Even smiles, and saves the number under “Isak <3”

Then he gets up from his place, and follows Isak to the hallway where the others are gathered. As they approach the door to the hall, Isak puts his hand on Even’s back. Not pushing him, just gently leading him. It’s like he says «let’s go together through here», and it makes Even shiver against his will.

Just when they’re in the doorway, Yousef shouts out. – Stop!!!

They both stop in their tracks. – What? Even asks, wondering for a moment if they have stepped on something. He looks at Isak, who looks just as bewildered.

Everyone’s looking at them from the hall, but they look more smug than anything else. Eva giggles a little.

– Look up, guys, Sana says, smiling.

Even looks up and has to smile, too.  _ Mistletoe.  _ Of course. He looks at Isak, who frowns in confusion. – Why in the world have you decorated for Christmas, Sana? he asks.

– It’s mistletoe, stupid. You two have to kiss now.

– Oh.

Isak stares at Even, and Even stares back. Even’s heart races at the sudden possibility, and he feels giddy and almost hopeful. A slow smile forms on Isak’s mouth, reflecting Even’s, and he raises his eyebrows.  _ Should we?  _ Even mirrors his movements.  _ Why not? _

Even still feels like he’s frozen in the moment, not knowing how to move.

Isak lets his hand drop from Even’s back. He takes Even’s hand in his, then gently runs his thumb over his palm.  _ Oh _ , Even didn’t expect that. He shivers. Isak leans closer and kisses him lightly on the mouth. Even savours the taste of the kiss and the scent of Isak, trying to keep calm. His body is trembling, as he feels lightheaded and nervous.

Everyone cheers.

Isak smiles at Even. But it’s not enough. Even moves closer to Isak again and steals another kiss. Loses himself in the feeling of his lips. The tingling feeling along his spine.

Like from a distance he hears Sana say. – Annnnd they’re gone. Come on, guys, let’s do our goodbyes while they latch on to each other.

Laughter. Pats on his back. More cheers as one guest after the other leaves.

Even doesn’t care. He only cares about the feeling of Isak, and his lips, and his hands. Isak pulls him even closer and gently brushes his lips against his neck. Even gasps then quickly shuts his mouth.  _ Shit _ , he’s so lost it’s pathetic.

Like in the back of his mind, he registers that they are alone now. Sana and Yousef must have followed the others out into the front hallway.

Isak stares at him. – Fuck, you’re hot, he says in hushed tones. He moves his hand around to the back of Even’s neck, slipping his fingers beneath his hair as he tilts his head backwards.

He lets his lips touch Even’s neck in another kiss. Isak’s breath is hot against his skin and feels so good. Even can smell the sweet, minty fragrance of his shaving cream, mingled with the spices from the food and something that must be the smell of  _ him _ . Isak smells so good it’s intoxicating. Even inhales his scent and lets it consume him, which heightens his desire for him. His heart’s racing as Isak continues to bathe him in kisses, his fingers tightening around the back of his neck.

– Hey, guys.

Even withdraws, as he realizes that Sana is talking to them. She stares at them both, smiling a little.

– Uh, yeah… he manages to say.

Isak says nothing next to him, but he looks a little embarrassed.

Sana watches them both. – I have never seen anyone take the mistletoe that seriously, she laughs. – And I hate to interrupt you, but...

– But you would like us to leave now? Isak asks, smiling. He seems to have pulled himself together.

Sana rolls her eyes. – You’re welcome to stay for as long as you like, boys, you know that.

– Yes you are, Yousef nods next to her.

– But you look like you need to…talk.  

Even meets Isak’s eyes. He needs to talk with Isak. And definitely spend more time together. Now. – Yeah, I guess we do. Uhm. So. How did you get here, Isak?

– I walked?

What he said ends in a questioning tone, like he’s asking –  _ why? _

– I can give you a ride, then, Even says, trying to seem very casual about it. – If you want to?

Isak nods and smiles. – Sure, thanks.

Sana and Yousef almost shove them out. – Lovely to see you, guys, Sana says. – Now go figure this out.

Even leads the way to his car. – I could drive you home first, he says, at they get in and put their seatbelts on. – Or do you wanna spend some time at my place? We could… talk?

Isak stares at him from the passenger seat. There’s an almost-smile in his eyes. – We can go to your place, that’s cool.

– Cool.

_ Yes _ . Even tries to seem calm and collected as he starts up the car and drives toward home. He’s not. – So, did you have a great time tonight? he asks, as he tries to figure out how he can manage to kiss Isak again.

– Yeah, it was nice. If Sana hadn't been so obvious. She’s really determined to matchmake us!

Even laughs. – She sure is. I get the impression that this isn't her first attempt. And that she has given up being subtle about it.

Isak barks out a laugh. – That’s for sure!

He is silent for a moment. – I’m not saying that she’s doing something wrong, though. It’s just… A lot.

– Yeah, it is.

Even parks the car in his parking place. – So, this is it, he says, smiling.

When they get out of the car, he doesn’t quite know what the protocol is. He still takes Isak’s hand and leads the way. It feels nice. Right. Like they belong together.

He would love to kiss Isak, too. But they don’t have a mistletoe over their heads anymore, and something about this situation just makes him nervous.

They go up to Even’s flat. Even unlocks the door and holds it open for Isak. Isak walks through it cautiously, looking like he’s not really sure what he thinks will be lurking in the darkness of the flat. Even switches the light on and reveals his small, messy flat with far too much weird stuff on his walls. Art, drawings, movie posters and photographs are everywhere. The tables that aren’t full of papers and mugs, are decorated with Advent decorations and Christmas decorations.

Even shuts the door behind him, and they take their jackets and shoes off. He sees that Isak notices his small Christmas village with houses, lights, and Santas on the table in the hallway.

– Cute, Isak smiles.

– Thanks, Even smiles back. – I plan to find my old toy trains and put them on there, too. Christmas should be a little kitschy, you know.

– That’s true, Isak grins, and bumps his shoulder with his own. – That would be kitschy.

They both laugh a little. Even leads the way inside. – We could have a beer or something in the living room?

– It’s maybe a little late for beer, Isak says. – You know, workday tomorrow.

– Do you want some tea?

– Sure, that’d be nice.

Isak follows him into the kitchen. Even doesn’t mind it. He likes to have Isak around, while he’s doing things like putting water in the kettle and finding the tea and sugar. He’s nervous, though. He doesn’t know what to do or say.

Isak must sense his distress because he gives Even a warm, reassuring smile that calms him a bit, at least for the time being.

Even finds them both some tea, but when he’s about to leave for the living room, Isak sits down at the kitchen table. – I like it here, he says.

Even sits down next to him, and takes a sip from his cup.

Isak takes a sip, too, and hums, like he’s content. – Tastes good, he says.

After what seems a very long time, Isak finally turns and looks at Even. Even can feel his eyes on him.

– So.. I think I forgot to ask what you’ve been up to this week? Isak asks. His eyes are so green, they make Even dizzy.

– Not much. I’ve mostly been trying to figure out how to get your number without being too obvious.

_ Oops _ .

Isak stares at him. – Right. And how did that go?

Even bites his lip to hold a nervous smile back. – Not too well. I had to ask you in the end, didn’t I?

Isak laughs a breathy laugh. – Yeah.

He looks a little embarrassed when he continues: – I was so pissed at myself for not asking for your number, you have no clue.

_ Oh.  _ Isak had really wanted his number, too.  _ Holy fuck, that’s good.  _ That’s really fucking great, isn’t it?

– You were? Even laughs, feeling lightheaded and so very hopeful. – Me too.

Isak stares at him, and his eyes are green and deep and Even wants to lose himself in them. Isak reaches out and brushes some of Even’s hair back behind his ear. He moves closer. – I liked kissing you, he says, looking brave. – Can I kiss you again?

Even nods.  _ Yes, please. Please kiss me _ .

Isak pushes their teacups away, moves even closer, leans into him and lets his lips meet Even’s once again. The sensation is  _ everything _ . Even starts trembling again.  _ Fuck _ , this is really happening, and he can’t believe it.

Isak seems to think the same. He looks at Even with something like awe in his eyes. – I can’t quite believe this, he says, quietly. His expression is serious. Even wonders if Isak knows how it makes Even want to pull him close and feel every inch of his skin. He ends up just tugging Isak’s hair and stroking his neck. Isak kisses Even deeply, letting his fingers tangle into Even’s hair. It feels so good.  

Isak pauses for a moment and gently pushes Even’s head to the side and kisses the side of his face. He lightly kisses his ear, his lips barely touching him, but it still sends chills cascading down Even’s spine. Even buries his nose in Isak’s neck, pulls him close and kisses his neck, just where his pulse beats. Isak makes a small sound, like a mix between a sigh and a moan.

– You made a sound, Even giggles, for a reason unknown to himself, and leans back.

– Shut up, Isak groans. He rolls his eyes in that way he does when he's really happy but feeling too macho to show it and they kiss again. Isak’s lips and tongue are so sweet and soft. The surroundings melt away, and the moment is theirs. The need for more builds like a fire in Even’s body, and he kisses Isak deeper. He doesn’t know what this is, he doesn’t know what Isak wants, but he allows himself not to worry. Isak wants this, just like he does. At least right now.  

Even holds Isak’s face gently in his hands and smiles into the kiss. A small hope is growing in his chest.


	3. Isak: Longing Christmas Lights (Third Sunday of Advent)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even plan to meet at a Christmas market. Things happen. Okay, uhm, so, I'm kinda sorry for this, I guess...? Don't worry, alt er love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter three of my Skam Secret Santa thing. Thank you again [@evakuality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakuality/pseuds/evakuality) and [@arindwell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arindwell/pseuds/arindwell) for proofreading and betaing for me, you are amazing! 
> 
> I should probably explain that the Christmas market mentioned is basically a market where they sell Christmas ornaments, crafts and Christmas foods. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think about this!

_Now we light three candles tonight, for longing, hope and delight_

_For us who are present they shine so bright_

_Now we light three candles tonight for longing, hope and delight_   
  


Isak wakes up from his radio alarm and another Advent poem. _Longing, hope and delight_ , he can relate to that. This last week has been full of hope and delight, and now he longs for Even. It’s Sunday, December 15th. Isak’s alone in his bed, and he wishes that Even could be there. He hasn’t spoken with Even since yesterday, in the middle of the day. It feels like ages ago. He turns to his side, burying his face in his pillow, trying to calm his feelings. He feels like a schoolboy, missing Even’s warm body next to him.

The whole thing makes Isak a little nervous, but he pushes the feeling away. _They’re good_ . He and Even are good. They have had a good time this week. They have kissed, and dated, and talked, and kissed some more. They have even celebrated Lucia with a lot of their friends at Chris’s house. _Everything’s fine._

Isak needs to hear something from Even, though. Just something. He sends Even a text: _How are you today? Busy?_

_Yeah, I’m helping my mom with something, sorry. I will see you later, Isak. :)_

_Sure, later. :)_

He wants to add a heart, but doesn’t dare to.

Why is Even so busy? A part of Isak is scared that he has said or done something stupid, and that Even doesn’t want to see him. After all, there have been times when Isak has done and said stupid things. Isak knows it’s irrational to think about that, though. He just can’t really believe that Even wants him at all. The fact that Even brought him home last Sunday is still a mystery to him.

Isak can’t forget how Even kissed him and held him that night. That was probably when Isak first started to realize that his school-boy crush was becoming something more intense. The mere thought of losing him had been terrifying.

It still is. It’s not just a crush anymore. Isak is starting to see the possibility of something more, something lasting. But what if Even doesn’t think like that at all? What if he has discovered what a useless guy Isak is, and he just wants to stop seeing him?

They never talked about what they wanted, last Sunday. They haven’t really talked about that at all, but definitely not that night.

– I'll have to leave soon, Isak had said in the end. His voice had been low, and uncertain. He had wondered if Even could sense his fear that this was it, that this was all he got. – It’s a workday tomorrow, so... I don't want to leave though. I want to stay here, with you.

Those last words had been difficult to say.

Even’s expression had been impossible to read. – Yeah, uhm, I need to go to work, too, he said.

– Sure, I know that. Uhm. Will I still see you at that Lucia thing on Friday? Isak had asked then. He had hesitated at first when asking. He hadn’t really been sure how to ask, but had really wanted to know. He’d wanted to know if there was a chance for them, or if Even just wanted to hook up and leave things at that. Isak had dropped his gaze, feeling a little ashamed. He really did like Even but he knew he'd jumped so quickly into this before he really had time to think. He had just not wanted to miss his opportunity to be with Even, but he never gave any thought to what would happen after. He had felt foolish suddenly. He was so naive. Did he honestly expect some fairy tale ending? It was time to get serious; this was real life, and not some Disney movie. He had almost been ready to run outside and never come back.

Even had turned to face him, and he slipped his hand into Isak’s. – Look at me, Isak, he said.

Isak looked up.

Even met his gaze smiling. – I sure hope I see you before that, he said. – How about I pick you up after work tomorrow? We could eat?

Isak had grinned widely then, feeling so relieved that he hardly could believe it. He gave Even another kiss. And a hug. _God, the hug felt good_. He had to fight himself to finally let go. – Sure, sure. See you then.

– See you.  

They had met for dinner, and had ended up talking for hours. And then they met the next day, to watch a movie, and the next to play some games. And Isak was slowly dying of want. And need. He loved the flirting, the touches, and the kisses, but he wanted _more_. He wanted so much more.

On Friday they went out for dinner before they went to Chris Berg’s and her Lucia party. It was an amazing event. Like a mix between a Lucia party and a Friday 13th party. It was gloriously horrific. And Chris was shining. Isak used to be intimidated by her and her aggressive flirting back at Nissen, but not anymore. Chris was working as a comedian and had even had some gigs on TV. It hadn’t changed her at all, though. The only difference from before, was that she lived with a guy who worked as a doctor, who was both charming and funny and looked like he was an underwear model. And there was no doubt that he worshipped the ground she walked on. Apart from that, she was just like she used to be. And the party was a success. Isak had a lengthy talk with Noora, who had become an author, writing young adult books. Noora was talking about how having her dream job was not always like a dream. Isak wondered if she was right. Isak had talked a little with his buddies, too, and had been amazed to see how Even charmed them.

After that, Isak and Even had danced all night. Touching. Looking. Kissing.

Even’s eyes had held Isak’s and his hands had been everywhere. His lips brushed Isak’s, again and again. Not innocently at all, but hot, fiery and demanding. Isak’s thoughts became foggy and lustful. It would have been so easy to take Even home then, and fuck him senseless. It was all Isak wanted to do. But he had been a little drunk, and afraid to step over some boundaries and shit, and Even was drunk, too, and in the end, they hadn’t dared to do anything like that. They had kissed a lot though. The sensation of Even’s soft lips and warm body had made Isak feel intoxicated for a long time.

Isak shivers by the memory as he gets out of bed. He knows that everything that has happened this week, seems to tell him that Even wants this, just as much as Isak does. Isak just can’t believe it. He can’t understand how a cool, interesting guy like Even can see something in him.

Isak tries to stay calm though, and decides to distract himself with practical things, and maybe being the Secret Santa. He takes a quick shower, gets dressed, and makes himself some breakfast. He sends Jonas a text, just to show that he’s alive.

_Yo, what’s up?_

_Shit, are you alive, Isak? Have you come up for air? I thought you were busy snogging Even all day and night..._

_Yeah yeah. He has some things to do. Wanna meet us at the Christmas market later?_

_Hell, no, I don’t wanna crash your date in the romantic market. We could meet up and have a game one day if you like? Tuesday?_

_Sure, sounds great. And it’s not a date._

_Sure, Jan._

Isak smiles. He wonders how Even is doing. Sometimes it’s good to be a Secret Santa, because he can talk to Even without seeming desperate, or as desperate as he actually is.

 _Good morning!_ he texts to Even. _Your Secret Santa here again! One week left to the gift exchange. Are you excited? ;)_

_Sure, it’ll be great. :) I’m not so sure about my present anymore, though._

_Ah, that is a pity. Can I give some advice?_

_I’m not so sure. This person I am giving a gift to, had a vague wish. I’m just not sure he wants what I’m planning to give. Anyway._

_You sound a little down?_

_No, it’s nothing, Santa. I’m up for the gathering next week, no problem. There are Christmas markets and stuff, I could even be lucky to find something today._

_Are you going to the Christmas market, Even? I might go, too, actually._

_Hmm... Maybe I can figure out who you are, then? :D_

Isak panics for a moment. _I didn’t say that! I said that I might go._

_Yeah, okay. Anyway. I’ve got things to do, Santa. Later._

_Later. :)_

Isak frowns. Even seems unusually short, and not as bright and happy as he usually is. Isak had hoped that the Secret Santa talk would take away some of his insecurities about Even liking him, but it really hasn’t. Isak has this sneaking feeling that Even has had enough of him. He tries to forget his worries as he reads a little, but his mind doesn’t seem willing to focus at all. He decides to do the laundry and tidy up the living room, but that doesn’t calm him down, either. For a moment he wonders if he should call Jonas, Eskild, or maybe Sana, but he doesn’t want to make a big deal of nothing. Even probably just needs some time. He has to help his mom, maybe something has happened. _What can have happened?_ Isak sighs. Well, he’s supposed to meet Even at the Christmas market, so he hopes he figures out what’s wrong then.

It’s about two in the afternoon when Isak decides that he can’t pace around in his apartment any longer. He decides to get out of the house and go to the market before he’s said he’d meet Even, so that he maybe can find some Christmas presents on his own. He wants to find a present for Even both as a Secret Santa and from himself. It’s a lot. But it should be possible. He surprises himself feeling anticipation, as he imagines giving Even something. Just the thought of Even’s possible smile makes joy flutter through him. It’s not like him to be excited about stuff like this, but he is.

When he approaches the market, he’s met with cute rows of stalls, a tall Christmas tree, Christmas lights and a crowd of happy people. There’s a little snow on the ground and the trees. That’s a rare sight this early in winter, but it really adds to the atmosphere. He can smell cocoa, gløgg and roasted almonds. A school band plays Christmas songs by the Christmas tree. The music, sights and smells makes him strangely emotional. Tears press behind his eyes, and he feels choked up. It’s weird. Christmas has always been heartbreak, chores and hassle to Isak. Every Christmas was a reminder of broken dreams and wishes while his dad was distant and his mom confused. Until his dad disappeared for real and his mom broke down, and Isak had to be an adult far too early. And then Christmas became a duty.

Something’s different now. Although he’s still not that happy about Christmas, the sight and feeling of it all do something to him. He realizes that he wouldn’t mind decorating with a Christmas tree and some ornaments and lights. The thought of finding presents to the ones he loves doesn’t fill him with dread. It gives him a tingling feeling like he’s waiting for something nice. Is he actually looking forward to Christmas this year? That would be something new.

Isak decides to stroll through the market to look at all the things and the food. He gets to taste gingerbread cookies and other holiday cookies and he enjoys a coffee latte looking at all the home made knitwear and woodwork, all the art and small, strange things. He looks at some cute Christmas tree ornaments for a moment. Maybe he’ll find something that’s not overpriced and that could be worth giving. He can’t believe he’s this optimistic.

That’s before he sees them.

He stops cold in his tracks as he notices Even’s tall figure and dark blonde mop. He can recognize Even anywhere. He seems to be hugging someone and holding her close. Isak can’t see who it is before they take a step back from each other. Sonja. _Oh fuck_. Isak can’t see their faces clearly, but he sees too well how Sonja cups Even’s face and kisses him. And it’s not a small, innocent peck. It’s a slow kiss. Even stares at Sonja like she’s the most amazing thing in the world. Or at least, that’s what it looks like. Isak can’t stand it.

He’s frozen as he stares at Even and Sonja. He remembers how he had the same shock, and saw a kiss like this, eight years ago. He had met Even on the tram, and ended up in his home. He had just started to nurse a small hope that Even was interested, too, when they were interrupted, and then Even introduced Sonja. And kissed her.

That was when Isak had put a lid on all his hopes and wishes. _Okay_ , he had said to himself. _He doesn’t like me like that, then._ He had known that Even was Sonja’s and that was it. And now it feels like he’s back in that moment. Like his life has done a loop and he’s back at the beginning. And everything is over before it started. _Again_.

_Why does it hurt so much?_

Isak can’t breathe. He looks away, he can’t watch them anymore. He should have known, he says to himself. Even doesn’t want him. Not really. Maybe he and Sonja met up again recently? Maybe they miss each other? Maybe Even has just been waiting for a chance to break it to Isak. But how could he be so gentle the last time they met, then? And each of the seven days before that? Isak can’t get it.

He knows that he should go over to them. He should figure this out. Talk to Even and hear him out. There might be a reason. Maybe. He just can’t do it. He can’t bear the thought of Even trying to smooth everything over, and letting him down gently. He just can’t.

Isak doesn’t know what to do. He has dreamt about Even for so long, and he got to taste some of that dream. He got to have him, too, for a whole December week. He had been so happy. Losing him like this feels more than meaningless. It feels devastating.

He turns around, and leaves the market, as quickly as he can.

As he gets out in the street, a message pings on his phone. It’s Even. _Fucking hell._ Isak braces himself before reading it.

_Are you ready for some Christmas shopping?_

It would be so easy not to answer. Isak knows that he can’t do that, though. Through stinging tears, he types: _I’m sorry, Even, I don’t think I can make it. Something came up. Can we talk later?_

_Sure, baby, is something wrong?_

_Baby._ Isak can’t stop his tears anymore. Fuck, this is just so fucking painful. He looks ahead, and his eyes catch a concert poster. _Home for Christmas_ , it says. Fuck. Those words don’t exactly help. Reminding him of the fact that he doesn't have a home, not really. It’s hard to admit, but he had wanted Even to become his home. Fuck. Shit. He doesn’t know what to say. _Yes_ , something’s wrong. But he can’t make Even worry.

 _Nothing I can’t handle_ , he types. _I will tell you later, okay?_

_Okay, Isak. <3 See you later, then. _

Isak can’t help it. He must type a heart for Even. He will always type a heart for Even, if he can.

_ <3 _

When he a beat later sends a text to Jonas, it feels like he reaches for a life buoy: _Yo, Jonas. You home?_ he texts with trembling fingers.

_What’s up?_

_Everything’s just shit. Can we hang?_

The answer is quick. _Always, bro. I’ve got you, Issy K._

Isak breathes out. Things is still shit, but he knows that he always has his buddies like Jonas and the others. At least he has learned one thing since he was a teenager with a hopeless crush. He has learned to reach out to his friends when he needs it.

He’ll get through this somehow. He doesn’t know how long it’s gonna take before the longing and pain wear off, but if Even doesn’t want him, he needs to finally move on.


	4. Even: Peace by the Fake Fireplace  (Fourth Sunday of Advent)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's going to exchange their Secret Santa gifts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the fourth chapter of my gift in the Skam Secret Santa challenge. :) Thank you so much [@evakuality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakuality/pseuds/evakuality) and [@arindwell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arindwell/pseuds/arindwell) for proofreading and betaing for me, you are amazing!
> 
> Warning: I guess it spoils some things, but there will be some smut in this chapter. <3

_We light four candles tonight and let them burn out._ _  
_ _For longing, joy, hope, and peace, but most for peace_   
on this small earth.

 

 _Peace?_   Even listens to the poem on the radio and feels like crying. Or at least like burying himself inside, with a sappy movie. It’s Sunday, and there are only two days to Christmas Eve. Even hasn’t seen Isak in a week, and he doesn’t understand what the fuck happened. When he left Isak last Saturday, everything had seemed just fine.

That Sunday he had had to help his mom with some chores and was looking forward to meeting Isak at the Christmas market. He had gotten a text from Sonja, though, where she told him some to be careful about Isak. It was nonsense, of course. She was doing the old routine of “are you sure you aren’t being impulsive”, and “you know this can trigger you”, and Even wouldn't have any of it. It kind of pissed him off that she tried to claim that she knew anything about him anymore. She sure as hell didn't know Isak. He told her so, and she said she was sorry. The whole thing still irritated him much that even his Secret Santa had picked up on his bad mood.

Sonja’s words had woken up an old and too familiar insecurity in him. He probably wasn’t good enough for Isak. He was messy, impulsive and had a mental illness that wasn’t just easy to live with. What if he would mess things up?

The whirling thoughts made Even had left his mom’s house feeling irritated and nervous. The only thing that could brighten his day was the thought of meeting Isak later. Isak always made things feel better. Brighter.

Even had turned up early at the market and was just starting to relax a little and enjoy himself when Sonja suddenly had shown up. He was still mad at her, but had hugged her, and hoped that she would keep her well meant pieces of advice to herself.

Then she had kissed him, and had almost given him a heart attack. He had stared at her and pulled back and told her that he was seeing Isak now. On the inside, he was screaming what the fuck was going on. He and Sonja had been good for years, and acting like this wasn't like her at all.

She had admitted that she was confused because she just had broken up with someone. _Perfect_. Suddenly he felt trapped and obligated to comfort her, when he wanted to yell at her. When he finally managed to sneak away from her, he was desperate to see Isak again.

He’d sent Isak a text, but then Isak said that something had come up, and that he couldn’t come.

Even was disappointed, and insecure, but not that worried. Not really.

Now it’s been a week, and he’s not worried now, either. He has more or less given up. It’s like a sickening feeling of loss in his stomach. Isak must have realized what Even already knew, and decided to move on.

But it’s so confusing, because… It’s not that Isak hasn't answered his texts. He has answered, and agreed to meet several times, too, but in the end, he has always said that he couldn't.

 _Is something wrong?_ Even has asked. _Don't you want to see me?_

_Yeah, of course, it’s just been busy. But do you want to see me? I won't hold it against you if you don’t._

Even has frowned in confusion. _Of course I wanna see you, Isak! What’s wrong? What happened?_

The last text from Isak had been: _Nothing’s wrong, Even. See you Sunday._

Even can't believe it. Isak is freezing him out, or something. In a polite way. It’s pretty obvious that he’s not interested in more.

The thought hurts like hell but Even tells himself that he can take it. Deep down, he had almost expected it. If Isak has decided to move on, Even can understand it. Even knows he’s got a lot of baggage. He knows that he’s not easy to live with. Isak has had enough shit, and he deserves so much more. If he wants out, Even understands.

He just wishes that he knew why, that he knew what went wrong.

And tonight there’s this Secret Santa party, of course, and Even doesn’t want to go at all. The thought of meeting Isak makes him so nervous that he feels sick. However, he knows that he should show up. He has a Secret Santa gift to give, after all. And one to get.

So when the time is right, he dresses up and gets ready for the party. He’s putting on his shirt when his phone pings with a message from the app. He picks up his phone, hoping it’s Isak, but it’s just his Secret Santa.

_I hope you get what you wish for tonight, Even_

_You should know, Santa._

_True. So, are you ready?_

Even sighs and writes: _Yeah, sure. Maybe it will be a nice ending of a shitty week._

_I’m sorry to hear it was shitty._

_Don’t worry. I’m just a little confused, that’s all. Some people are off and on and I don’t get it._

_Well, maybe you should try an ultimatum. Like, “say how it really is, or piss off”. Straight up like that._

_Eloquent._

_Yeah, well, it works. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. Just try it!_

_I might just do that. And don't worry. I’ll bring my good mood tonight._

_Sounds good. See you later, Even._

_Yeah, later._

Even stares at his Secret Santa’s messages. He has this feeling that he knows who his Santa is. If possible, it makes him even more confused.

Suddenly he feels brave. He has already packed a gift for Isak, but now he finds another thing to add to it. He knows it’s a risk, but it’s worth a shot. It’s the closest he can get to saying “say how it really is”.

Even puts on a coat, brings his gift and gets ready to go to Vilde’s house.

Even has to admit that being a Secret Santa for Isak has been a little difficult lately. It’s hard to be cheerful and jolly, especially when Isak doesn’t seem that cheerful, either. Before he goes, he pushes himself to send a few last messages:

_Hey, it’s your Secret Santa again! Are you ready for tonight?_

_I don’t know if I ever will be ready. But I’ll be there, of course._

_That’s good then. Everything alright?_

_Yeah, no worries. I’m just not a big fan of Christmas, but if you know me, you know that._

_I do. So it’s nothing else?_

_No, I just have lost faith in people lately, I guess. And I’m a little annoyed with myself for not facing them properly._

_Maybe you should, then._

_Yeah, probably. But I don’t wanna chat about that right now. I’m ready for the party, no worries. With a gift and everything._

Even frowns. He really doesn’t get what’s going on. But he can’t reveal his confusion.

_Sounds good, and I won’t pry. See you later, Isak!_

_Later!_

Even stares at their texts for a long time. He really needs to figure this out, he just doesn't know how to. He puts his phone away, and leaves the house.

Driving over to Vilde’s he tries to think about anything other than Isak. It doesn't work that well. The thought of seeing him again makes him feel nervous. Exited. Slightly panicked, actually. He misses Isak’s kisses, and smiles, and hugs, and it seems like he’ll have to miss them for a long time.

Even focuses on the tasks ahead as he gets out of the car and walks through the snow up to the house. _Jacket, keys, lock the car_ . _Wonder if Isak has come already? Not that. Keys. Did he lock the car? Fuck, the gift._ His mind feels disconnected, but he somehow manages to get to Vilde’s apartment with both the car keys and the gift in his hands.

As he enters the apartment, he gives his hugs to Vilde and all the others guests who are there. Vilde seems to be the perfect hostess; cheerful and attentive and busy making sure everyone’s happy. She seems more relaxed than she appeared to be when they were younger. Even likes that.

He gets a glass of wine in his hand (ah well, he can leave his car here, he thinks) and then he chats a little with Elias and Mikael, trying to persuade them that everything’s just fine, when in fact he’s dying because he doesn’t know what’s up with Isak.

– You must have scared him away, Elias says. – I told you to tone down that desperation of yours.

– Nah, no toning down, Mikael protests, grinning. – Take it to a new level instead.

Even sighs. – I don’t know. Something tells me it’s too late.

– Well, Elias says with doom in his voice. – It seems like you’re about to find out if it is or not.

Even follows his gaze as he stares at the hallway.

 _Isak_.

He’s right there. Vilde is chatting with him and handing him a glass of wine, but Isak is staring at Even.

His eyes are dark, and he almost looks angry. Or scared? Both, maybe?

Even knows he must talk to him. He might be desperate, but he needs to know. He leaves the boys and goes straight over to Isak.

As he approaches, he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to give Isak a hug, but he’s afraid to impose. – Hi, he says instead. And looks at Isak, asking with his eyes, _are you okay? Is this okay?_

– Hi, Isak says. And his eyes are wide and green and looks at Even with something like anger, but also something raw, and vulnerable, and Even doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand shit right now. Inside he screams: _Where have you been? Why are you avoiding me? Why won’t you kiss me?_

Even swallows down his questions and starts with an easier one: – Can we talk?

Isak nods, but then Vilde interrupts them, speaking to the whole group.

– Now it’s about time we share our Secret Santa presents, everybody!

All the guests gather around her and find places to sit. Even sits down next to Isak in a sofa. He longs to touch Isak, to hold his hands and kiss him.

Vilde talks to them all. Even misses the first gifts being delivered. His mind is too busy to let him pay attention. He doesn’t quite know what to do.  He is sitting next to Isak, but it feels awkward. But Isak is here. That means there’s some hope, right?

Suddenly it’s Even’s turn to receive his gift. He goes up to Vilde, who gives him a nicely packed parcel. He tries to look excited as he opens it up, although he’s mostly thinking about Isak.

He tears off the wrapping paper and stares at the contents.

There’s a stick with a handwritten sign that says NO in bright colours (“something to help you say no”, the card says). A day planner (“this shit really helps”). A box to put bits and bobs in (“organizer for dorks”). The card says “I didn't manage to give you a hot person, though. But here’s a cute Santa as a replacement”.

Even has to laugh a little. – Just what I wished for, he says, and flashes a smile at the other guests. – Thanks, Secret Santa.

– You’re supposed to guess your Santa, Vilde explains.

– Oh. Yeah.

Even takes a deep breath. – So. I think it’s Isak. My Secret Santa has a tendency to call me a dork. Isak does, too.

He smiles a small smile. Dares to look over at Isak. Isak stares at him with wide eyes and parted lips.

Even turns back to Vilde, who stares, too. – Uh, that’s right, Even, she says. – You’re the first to guess correctly on your first try.

Even had guessed that he was right, but the thought of Isak finding gifts for him, still warms him up. He gives Isak a wider smile, goes over to him and gives him a careful hug. – Thanks. Just what I needed.

Isak blushes. – I know.

Even sits down next to him again. There’s another awkward silence between them as some of the other guests get their gifts. A lot of the guessing goes wrong, and laughter fills the room. Even still feels like he’s on edge.

Then it’s Isak’s turn. He looks very hesitant as he accepts the gift that Vilde gives him. He opens it up and stares at it. It’s another wrapped present and a note. He reads it silently, but Vilde pushes him:

– Read it out loud!

Isak hesitates. – It says “I give you the gift of giving. You will deliver presents to kids who need them on the day before Christmas Eve, Little Christmas Eve. You can bring a friend. Maybe it can make Christmas more meaningful”.

Isak stares at the words. Swallows. – That’s cool, he says. He picks up a string of lights and looks at the other note. – It says “Here’s something more to brighten your Christmas.” Wow. Thanks.

– You gotta guess who it is, Vilde says.

 _But, there’s more_ , Even thinks, suddenly feeling very nervous.

– Wait, there’s more, Isak says, and his eyes widen. He holds up a small frame with an image. It’s a cartoon Even drew years ago, but that he never dared to give Isak. It’s an image of Isak in his snapback, with a grilled cheese toastie. Then “in another universe,” Isak and Even, eating together, and they have cardamom on their toasties. It’s an old inside joke, referring to Isak’s obsession about parallel universes and the evening when they joked about cardamom. Isak might not remember it.

Isak stares and stares, and his voice wobbles when he says: – Even?

_He remembers._

– What the fuck? Vilde sighs. – You guessed it right, too? And what are the odds of you two getting each other?

Laughter spreads around the room, but Even only sees Isak. He looks overwhelmed. Almost on the verge of crying. – Uh, thanks. Uh, I just need to…

Suddenly he leaves the room, clutching the present in his hand.

 _Fuck._ Even gets up. – I’m just – he says, ignoring the looks from the others, following Isak out into the hallway.

He finds Isak sitting in the kitchen, staring at the present in front of him.

– Hi, Even says, slowly entering the room.

– Hi.

Isak looks stunned. Even dares to sit down next to him. – You wanted to do something meaningful, he explains.

– I did, Isak nods. – It’s cool.

Even clears his throat. – Adding the drawing was maybe a bit much.

Isak doesn't answer.

– Someone told me to take a chance, or something. Well, to give an ultimatum, talking about pissing off and shit, really, but that’s just not who I am.

– _I_ told you that, Isak says.

– I know.

– I thought you were talking about someone else, though.

Even frowns. – Who?

Isak doesn’t answer. He stares at Even. – The drawing. It’s from when we were kids.

Even nods. – Yeah.

Isak still looks like he doesn't get it.

Even sighs. He knows that he needs to be brave. He’s gotta figure out what Isak wants. Or what he doesn’t want. – I have to ask, Isak. Have you... moved on? Because I could understand that. I just... need to know.

Isak stares at him. – Moved on?

He says it like Even has said something incomprehensible.

Even’s heart beats heavily in his chest. – Yeah, I mean, I’m not stupid. I’ve noticed that you’re kind of avoiding me.

Isak shakes his head. – No, that’s not… I thought…

He sighs a heavy sigh. – Last weekend I… I was supposed to meet you, but… You were kind of distant and I was kind of worried that you didn’t want to be with me anymore. And then... I saw you with Sonja.

Even sighs. – _Oh_. Oh no...

He doesn’t say anything more. He doesn't know what to say. Because, _fuck, of course._

Isak’s eyes are dark, demanding. – You kissed her, Even.

_No no no no._

– _Sonja_ kissed _me_ , Isak. She had some sort of crisis. It just caught me by surprise. I’m not back with Sonja, Isak, you’ve gotta believe me.

Isak stares at him, and his expression is impossible to read.

Even continues: – I really had to help my mom last Sunday. But if you thought I was a little… distant, it probably was because of Sonja, too. She texted me a lot that morning. She said that she had heard about us dating and that she was worried. Because of my illness, you know? She was annoying, really. When she suddenly turned up at the market, she was all over me, and it was weird. It turned out that she just had broken up with someone and was desperate to find her way back to something she knew. Why she thought of me, I don’t know. It wasn’t like we were living an idyll together.

He’s talking too much, he knows it. He’s just so desperate to show Isak that _he_ ’s the only one he wants.

Isak stares at him. – I thought I had done something, or said something stupid, and that you had had enough of me.

Even shakes his head, he can’t believe it. – No, of course not. I know you, Isak. Well, a little. I know you say weird stuff all the time. Do you think I would leave you for that?

Isak shrugs. – I did think that he says, frowns and shuts his eyes for a moment. – I’m sorry.  

Even moves closer with his chair, closing the space between them. – I’m sorry too, Isak, he says, and reaches out, touching Isak’s hand. – Can't we sort of…  start over? And this time, if something stupid happens, we talk about it?

– Yeah, Isak says, and his smile lights up the whole room. – Let’s do that.

They stare at each other. Isak’s still smiling, but his smile fades as the tension between them rises. Isak leans towards Even, and as he draws closer Even feels his heart beat so hard he fears Isak will hear it, and if he does, he will know for sure how far gone Even is. How much he wishes for something _more_. Even’s eyes close, head tilts to the side and then he feels Isak’s lips... on his cheek. It's a peck like you would give a brother and for a moment Even is confused. That's how Isak sees him, then, like a beloved brother…?

Even opens his eyes, and _whoa_ , Isak’s green eyes are already staring at him. Even’s pulse races. A small lock of hair tumbles in front of his face, resting just in front of his cheek, but with one swift slide of Isak’s thumb, it’s brushed out of the way. Looking into Isak’s eyes Even sees deep forests of green that display his soul. His lips touch Even’s lips. Time stops. Even’s heart comes to a halt. He takes both Isak’s hands in his. Their fingers lock together like puzzle pieces. The sensation of Isak’s lips is sweet, but a hot blazing fire pulses through Even. A small grin creeps onto his face and he feels his cheeks paint themselves pink. Isak pulls away silently, but their eyes are still locked, communicating.

Isak reaches for Even’s neck with his hand and pulls him into a deeper kiss. And _oh god_ , it feels good. Even feels a tingling spread from his lips, and he can’t help chasing Isak’s lips and tongue even more. When Isak kisses his neck, just with his hot breath and a few delicate touches of his warm lips, Even’s head starts spinning and all previous thoughts stop in their tracks. Now there is only one desire, one wish in him.

Isak leans back and looks at Even with glazed eyes. – Can we get out of here? he asks, as his hand brushes through Even’s hair. – I’ve spent all week regretting all the stuff we never did.

 _Oh._ Even can agree to that. – Yeah. Yes. My place? he asks, worried for a moment about the mess in his living room. And the clothes on the floor in his bedroom. His flat is a disaster.

His quick answer makes Isak smile. Isak looks eager. Nervous. – Or I can show you my place this time, Isak says. – It’s closer, too.

 _God, is this really happening?_ Even leans his head on Isak’s shoulder and collects his thoughts. The scent of Isak still makes him feel dizzy. – Sounds great. We should probably tell the others that we’re leaving.

– I can text Vilde, Isak says, licking his lips. – The others won’t mind. Most of them have been scheming to get us together anyway.

The smile he sends Even is teasing, and a little cocky. A ‘ _you know that I know that you know’_ type of smile.

– True, Even laughs, feeling lightheaded.

They go out to the hallway to put on their shoes and jackets. – So, are you driving? Isak asks.

Even nods. – But I have had some wine tonight.

– No problem, I live not far from here, you know, so you can leave the car.

Isak looks almost shy as he says that, and Even keeps nodding, unable to look away. – Let’s go, he says, and when Isak grabs his hand again, it’s like his heart grows in his chest.

They walk out into the cold winter night and Even keeps quiet as Isak texts Vilde. Then Isak puts his phone away and bumps into him. – So. Secret Santa. How long did you know it was me?

The question is light, but serious. Even is so glad to see the light in Isak’s eyes that he can hardly breathe. – I don’t know. I started to suspect it this week. Maybe the fact that you stayed away helped me think more clearly.

It’s a bad joke, but Isak smiles. – I didn’t know before I saw that drawing. Then I knew it at once.

He stops for a moment, and pulls Even closer. Lets a hand slide around his waist. – When did you draw it?

The cold has made his nose and cheeks pink and Even can’t look away. He hesitates for a moment. – I don’t know if you remember… It was that year that I transferred to Nissen, a few weeks after that day we met on the tram, and we made cheese toasties.

– And Sonja turned up, Isak said with a small smile. – Yeah, I remember. I didn’t see you much after that. But when did you pick up that part about the parallel universes?

– I heard you talking to Sana about it once. And you actually mentioned it to me at a party once, too. You were a little drunk.

Isak laughs. – Yeah, the Halloween party, right? I was so drunk.

– You talked about something missing, and a dream about a pool.

Isak nods. – Yeah, weird.

Not more weird than Even dreaming about lingering eyes in neon lights. He shakes his head, those are forgotten dreams from another time. – It’s a long time ago, he says. – I’m glad you’re here. Now.

– Me too, Isak says, and pulls him closer.

Even feels Isak’s hot breath on his cold chin, then the tender brush of lips against his own lips. They burn as they make contact. A hand runs through his hair, as the kisses become harder and more urgent. Another hand slides around his waist, and pulls him close to Isak’s body. Isak’s kisses are now on Even’s chin and neck. Even sighs, wanting more. Always wanting more.

– It’s cold, Isak says, pulling him along. – We should go.

Even agrees, although the cold doesn’t bother him at all. He only knows he wants more of this thing that is happening between them.

In just a moment he realizes that they have reached their destination. As they enter Isak’s flat, Even feels his eyes widening. – You have decorated for Christmas! he says, surprised. He stares around as he hangs up his jacket.

The minimalistic interior is covered with lights and Christmas decorations, and a Christmas tree stands proud in the middle of the room, covered in glitter, flags, Christmas ornaments and lights.

– Yeah, Isak admits. – I had to try. And I kind of like it. It makes the living room more alive, you know. I like this minimalistic style here, too, but… I just probably spend most of my time in the kitchen or the bedroom.

– Right, Even smiles, and wiggles his eyebrows.

Isak rolls his eyes. – Not like _that_. It’s just where I chill, you know.

Even nods, takes his hand and tangle his fingers with Even’s.  He looks around some more. – Oh, but damn, you have a fireplace? he laughs.

Isak laughs, too looking a little hot in his cheeks. – Yeah, that one was here when I moved in. It’s an electric heater that looks like it has flames. So it's fake, basically.

Even suddenly feels like a kid. – We have to try it, can we do that?

– Sure.

Isak turns it on and they stand for a moment, feeling the heat and watching the fake flames flickering before them.

– It’s not the same, Even admits. He pulls Isak close, resting his arm around Isak’s waist. – Nothing like the real thing. But it is rather cozy.

– Yeah? Isak looks at him and grins, and bites his lower lip. – Do you feel the Christmas spirit?

He looks so cute it almost hurts. It’s not a coincidence when Even’s voice drops lower. – Yeah, I do.

Isak nods, looking a little dazed. – Uhm. I’m probably a bad host, he mumbles. – Do you want something?

 _Oh, thank you for that one. Yes._ Even holds a grin back, and stares into Isak’s eyes. – I want you.

– Oh.

Isak stares at him and smiles an unbelievably shy smile. He brushes his hand through Even’s hair and moves in so close that Even can feel his lean body pressed up against him. His green eyes look at him with something that looks like awe, and his lips… Even wants his lips, he wants his kisses. Isak cups Even’s face in his hands and gives him exactly what he wants.

As soon as Isak’s sweet lips touch his own, Even sighs in relief and loses himself in the sweet softness of the kiss. Isak pulls Even impossibly closer, and moves them both towards the sofa. They both tumble back onto it, still still sitting next to each other, clinging to each other and kissing. Even doesn’t care, he only cares about Isak’s lips, hands and body. A part of him can’t believe that this, whatever _this_ is, is actually happening. The only thing he can do is to go with it, and enjoy it.

He kisses Isak softly, but deeply, feeling the fire between every tentative touch from Isak’s lips. He can feel the heat from Isak’s body as he sits next to him, but then Isak shifts positions and moves closer, so he’s almost sitting on Even’s lap. There’s a question in his eyes, but Even can’t answer with anything else than his kisses. _Yes_ , he says with every kiss. _Yes, this._

Then Isak _is_ on Even’s lap, straddling over him, kissing his neck. There’s something shy, but playful in his eyes when he kisses Even on his lips again. His hands roam Even’s shoulders and chest, and it’s like he’s enjoying the sight and enjoying the feeling and it makes Even shiver under his gaze and touch. Even lets his hands rest at Isak’s hips before they travel up Isak’s sides and back. To feel Isak close like this is thrilling, and Even almost can’t believe it.

Isak looks a little braver now, and more frivolous. He raises his eyebrows while his right hand moves along the inside of Even’s thigh to his groin. Isak cups him in his palm and strokes him through his pants. _Damn._ Even’s legs shiver. The feeling is almost too much. He puts his arm around Isak’s shoulder to steady himself. He can't contain the pleasure he’s feeling and so he lets loose a groan. The noise he makes seem to entice Isak more and his kissing becomes more intense. He looks at Even with hunger in his eyes. – I want you so fucking much, he whispers in Even’s ear. – Do you really want me?

Even inhales sharply; his brain is in a fog. He’s no longer capable of speaking in full sentences so all he can do is nod his head and mutter a simple, – Yes.

His hands gently tug at Isak’s soft hair, feeling the warm skin of his neck as he breathes in the smell of Isak, of _man_. Even suddenly realizes that he hasn’t been with a guy like this. Not for real. He has been with Sonja, and a couple of girls, and he has made out with a guy or two, but never beyond kissing and groping.

He tilts his head back, searching for Isak’s eyes. – I should tell you something, he says, swallowing. – I ...um...

 _Fuck, this is awkward_. He looks down, sucking in a deep breath then exhaling slowly. – I've never been with a guy before. Well, I have made out with some guys, but that’s it.

He cringes as he sits there on the sofa, with Isak on his lap, waiting for Isak’s reaction. Not that he thinks Isak would react badly, he just fears an awkward moment. But, to his relief, Isak only smiles, and then he gently cups Even’s face in his hands. – If it’s a comfort, I’m not that experienced either. Hell, you’ve been in a long term relationship. I’ve never done that.

Their eyes lock and Even instantly feels a sense of calm wash over him. That’s all it takes, really. – Come on, he says. – Let’s go to your room.

– Oh yeah? Isak asks, grinning widely.

– Yeah, Even says, mirroring his grin.

Stumbling a little they get up off the sofa. Even takes Isak’s hand and they go with their hands intertwined to his bedroom. It’s a cozy room, with bookshelves and clippings and posters on the wall, and a big bed in the center, and Even can see why Isak likes it. It’s a bit chilly, though, compared to the living room, and he wonders if it’s going to be too cold to be comfortable.

Luckily, he forgets that when they go inside. Isak quickly finds some condoms and lube in his drawer, and Even can’t help grinning again. – Oh, you’re prepared?

Isak picks up the teasing smile from Even, and laughs a little. He steals another kiss from him. – Yeah. Always.

Even cocks his head as he wraps his arms around him. – How very boy scout-like of you.

Isak’s eyes sparkle and he puts his chin out. – Oh, but that’s not a joke, Even. Boy scouts are good people. I was a scout and I’m a good boy.

– I don’t doubt it. And always prepared, it seems. So do you have a thing for boy scouts? What happens if I tell you that I was a boy scout, too?  

– Oh, that’s just what I like to hear, Isak chuckles, kissing him again.

There’s something so cute about him in that moment, something both awkward and sassy at the same time, and Even feels the need to pull him closer for a longer kiss. He wraps his arms around Isak and showers small kisses over his face and neck.

– You’re so fucking cute, he says, smiling as they kiss. – And hot. So fucking cute and hot.

– You dork, Isak chuckles and pulls Even with him until they lie down on his bed. The condom and lube end up by the pillow as Isak nuzzles his nose and looks him in the eye. – You’re the adorable one, you know, he adds. He says it like it’s a well hidden secret. – _And_ the hot one. You’re like ridiculously hot.

Even laughs. – And you?

– I’m just always right, Isak giggles, tilting his chin forward and wiggling his eyebrows, as if he’s asking for a kiss.

Even draws Isak into more kisses. He’s on his back and Isak leans over him, radiating heat and want. There’s a new urgency from Isak as he moves over Even now, and it makes Even breathless, nervous and wanting at the same time. He _wants, wants, wants_ , but there are too many clothes and too many layers  between them.

– Is this okay? Isak asks in a husky voice, as he leans over Even, slides his knee between his thighs and gently pushes his legs apart. _And fuck, yeah, it’s okay, it’s more than okay._

– Yeah, Even nods. His voice has sunk an octave because of his lust. – Fuck, yeah.

– Uh, okay, good...

Isak’s hands shiver as they explore Even’s body. He pushes up Even’s shirt and tenderly moves his fingers over his stomach and chest. The touches make Even’s skin burn. He can’t hold a moan back when Isak starts kissing his chest, moving his mouth over every inch of Even’s torso.

The sensations make Even tremble. _This_ , he wants to whisper, _I have wanted this for so long._ But even if he can be a hopeless romantic, those words seems too big at the moment, and too dramatic. – Back when I met you for the first time, I didn’t know what to do, he mutters.

Isak’s kisses and touches are so soft. As Isak drags his tongue across his skin Even starts to quiver. Isak looks up at him through his eyelashes. He looks flushed and lost in the moment, but also a little teasing. – Do you know now?

Even tangles his fingers into Isak’s hair, digs them into the softness and clenches his fists, bracing himself. – Uh… Not really. But this seems… pretty fucking good, Isak.

– Mm, Isak hums against his skin. – Yeah, good….

Even arches his back. His entire body feels too hot, and the pressure in his pants is becoming uncomfortable. He whimpers as Isak fumbles with the button to his jeans, finally undoing it, and releasing him from the confines of his pants. Even relaxes a bit, though his cock is rock hard and throbbing. He desperately needs relief.

Isak’s eyes are wide and his lips parted when he watches Even. – God, Even, he whispers. – Just lie back and relax. I'm going to take good care of you.

Isak kisses Even deeply, and grabs the waistband of Even’s open pants and pulls. Even shivers in anticipation. He lifts his hips off the bed and Isak slips Even’s pants and underwear over his hips and thighs, pulling them slowly down past his legs and feet. All the time he’s holding Even’s gaze, and the care in his eyes is enough to make Even tremble.  

All of Isak’s movements are slow and tender, making Even feel more cared for than he’s done in a long time. He feels impatient, though, and he pulls his shirt off the rest of the way and discards it as well. Isak looks over Even’s naked body and his eyes are filled with hunger, care and playfulness, all at the same time.

He finally takes Even in his hand, wrapping his fingers tightly around Even’s shaft, and begins to slowly stroke his dick.

– Oh God…  Even sucks in a deep breath then exhales slowly. It’s kind of overwhelming to lie here naked while Isak is fully dressed over him, and in control.

Isak’s strokes are steady. – Is this okay? he says, looking deeply concentrated and a little lost at the same time. – I really wanna take good care of you.

Even wants to answer, but he’s lost for words. His hands live their own life, searching Isak’s warm skin under his shirt. – Yeah. Good, he says in the end. – You’re so good to me, fuck –

Isak’s eyes widen and he swallows. His thumb encircles the head of Even’s dick and then he squeezes gently; his other hand cups Even’s balls and he starts to massage them. He looks at Even with another question in his eyes. – Can I…? he says, and when Even nods, he slowly pushes Even’s knees up then spreads them farther apart. Even watches Isak closely, loving the way he takes the initiative but still checks his every need.

Isak lowers his head till his lips are inches away from Even’s cock. When he envelopes Even in his mouth, the wet heat of his mouth is overwhelming. Even blurts out something that’s between a moan and a squeak. Isak sucks his cock, moving his mouth down the entire length and then alternating between sucking and licking.

Even is lost in the sensations and starts to think that there can't possibly be any feeling better than this, but then Isak licks and wets his finger and pushes carefully against Even’s entrance, stimulating his nerve endings there. Even moans and moves against Isak’s finger. He’s still a little nervous. – Lube, he whispers.

– Yeah, definitely, baby, Isak hums with his mouth around his dick.

Next Even feels a slick finger at his hole and Isak inserts it slowly into his ass. Even gasps. It’s not like he has never done something like that before, but it’s still a shock to his system. The feeling is awesome; it’s like it heightens the sensations in his dick. Isak continues to suck while moving his finger in and out of Even, slowly at first then picking up more speed gradually.

He pauses long enough to ask if Even’s okay. – Um, Even moans. – Yes... please... don't stop!

He is lost to the sensations and can’t help moving and moaning under Isak’s treatment. As Isak continues sucking, Even puts his arms above his head and grips the edge of the mattress. He arches his back, his legs quivering. Isak licks his cock then sucks it hard. He inserts a second finger, hits his prostate, and Even loses all sense of himself. What Isak’s doing to him feels so good that he can't control himself any longer. He begins to utter sounds that he has almost never heard himself make before. His chest is heaving and he’s on the verge of hyperventilating. What he hopes will be a well placed moan or two ends up sounding more like he’s gasping for breath. Apparently Isak takes this as a sign that Even is really into it (which he is) because his efforts intensify. Even is quickly rocked with white hot waves of electricity rippling throughout his body as a searing flame ignites somewhere deep within his loins. Even knows he isn’t going to be able to hold it back for long. – Oh God… he moans out suddenly, – I'm gonna come...fuck...I'm gonna come!

Isak seems unfazed. He continues to work with his fingers while sucking vigorously. Even’s body lurches and that’s when he feels himself let go with a rush of earth shattering explosions. He comes and comes into Isak’s mouth until he feels drained, and he slumps down on the bed. He says nothing as he pulls Isak to him and holds him close. He lies with his eyes shut, breathing heavily. His body feels weak and shaky. He lets his legs drop back down on the bed. His feelings lie open to Isak now, and for the moment, nothing else matters.

Isak kisses his neck. – Hope that was alright, he breathes.

– Fuck it was amazing, Even sighs.

Isak laughs, looking both horny and a bit cocky. – Good.

Even wants to kiss him, and feel him close. He grabs hold of Isak’s shirt. Then he blinks, and realizes that Isak still is dressed, and that his dick is tenting pretty obviously in his pants. – My turn, he says.

Isak doesn’t protest. He pulls his shirt off and tosses it on the floor. Even helps him off with the rest until Isak is gloriously naked. _God, he looks good_.

Even sighs as he takes in Isak's naked form stretched out below him. He strokes Isak’s chest, shoulders, belly and thighs. Isak's thin, but also well built and muscular. His skin is milky and pale. His cock is gorgeous – perfectly formed, with a thick corona and a leaking slit.

The clear liquid entrances Even. He reaches for Isak’s cock and marvels over the feeling in his hand before he gives it a firm, slow stroke. Isak makes a strangled sound.  – Thank fuck, I needed that… he groans. His hips move to meet Even’s hand.

Before Even can have second thoughts, he leans closer, sticks his tongue out and sweeps it across the head. The fluid is salty with a bitter, nutty flavor.

– Ungh! Isak makes a sexy sound deep in the back of his throat.

Even flushes with pleasure. _I did that to him!_ he thinks. Emboldened, he grabs Isak's thick cock in his hand and runs his tongue around the tip. Another few drops of precum drip out and Even thrusts his tongue into the slit, sliding it rapidly back and forth, trying to get all of the salty essence.

Even notes that Isak’s hands are fisting the blanket and his body is stiff with tension. He runs his tongue down the length of Isak's member, feeling the veins, tasting and licking it. Burying his nose in Isak's groin, he breathes in his musk. It's a heady scent and Even pauses, savoring it.

– Oh, please… Isak gasps out.

Even smiles a little, slightly light-headed about having this power over Isak. Moving slowly, he kisses his way back up Isak's cock.

– Even, Isak cries his name on a plea.

Even smiles as he takes Isak's head into his mouth. It feels so right. He's imagined this so many times; it's just like he imagined and not, at the same time. It's instinctive to pull his lips over his teeth and suck down the hard length. His lips slide until he triggers his gag reflex, then he starts back up, stroking the base of Isak's shaft with his hand. All of this he expected. What he didn't expect was that his lover would be moaning as if he were being tortured with pleasure. He starts up a rhythm, his hand sliding naturally with his lips, his tongue playing with the veins and the ridges.

Isak makes a desperate sound and thrusts his hips. Even gamely swallows a little deeper. He can feel Isak's muscles tensing, and a light sheen of perspiration breaks out across his lover's skin. _He must be close now._

– It’s so good, Even, Isak moans. – But, fuck…

– But…?

Isak pulls Even up, and his breath is hot against Even’s neck. – But you gotta stop, or I’m gonna come, right now.

– Well, that’s not wrong, is it? Even laughs a breathy laugh.

Isak stares at him, looking wrecked. – I wanna come inside of you, Even. Can I?

And _yes, he can_ , Even nods. His mind says _yes, yes, yes_ when Isak crawls over him again, situating himself between Even’s thighs. Isak kisses Even on the mouth, opens his lips and kisses him even deeper. He sucks Even’s tongue, then his lower lip, and Even kisses him back. Even can taste himself on Isak’s tongue and lips, and it entices a new kind of elation inside of him. He puts his arms around Isak and pulls him down on top of him. Isak’s body feels so good close to his. The warmth of it, the touch of his skin and of course the feel of his lips. They kiss until both of them are out of breath.

Isak puts his hands under Even’s knees and brings them up again, only this time pushing his hips up a little farther. He pulls Even closer, lifts Even’s right leg up onto his shoulder while holding his left leg under the knee. He lubes up his fingers and carefully inserts them into Even’s ass again. Even shivers as Isak breaches him, loving the sensations going through his body as Isak moves his slick fingers in and out. Even groans and closes his eyes, meeting Isak’s movements. He’s nervous but the sight and feeling of Isak has made him hard again, and he desperately wants this. Needs it.

– You're so tight, Isak sighs, and kisses his neck. – Just relax. His voice is soft and soothing. – Stay calm, baby, and try to relax your muscles.

Even nods. – Yeah, I know, baby, I know, he breathes, relaxing around Isak’s wet fingers. The gliding feeling inside of him takes his breath away and his dick is hard and throbbing between them.

– I’m good, he rasps. – I’m ready now.

Isak pulls his fingers out of him. Then he puts on a condom and applies a lot of lube.

Even groans as Isak starts to push inside of him. The head of his cock feels a little weird but Even doesn't want Isak to stop so he meets his thrust. Isak moves slowly at first, giving Even time to get used to each inch that he inserts before pushing in deeper.

By the time Isak is completely inside, Even feels filled up. Isak looks like he’s struggling to hold back, but he kisses Even’s chest and arm, holds him and strokes him, as he watches him intensely. He seems extremely concerned about how Even feels, whispering questions, asking if Even is enjoying it. – Yeah, fuck, yeah, Even stutters, unable to say more.

The words seem to make Isak shiver, and he starts to move his hips back and forth, though slowly at first, pulling himself part of the way out and then driving back in again. His cock slowly fills Even up again and again.

Even can’t believe how good it feels. The intimacy of feeling Isak bury himself inside his body is incredible. The sensations are too good, but also too slow, and Even needs more, faster. He begins to moan and whimper, and before he even realizes it he’s begging Isak to go faster.

Isak growls and moves the pace up.

And _damn_. Even sucks in his bottom lip and pinches his eyes closed. – Feels so good… he mutters. But then he can’t keep his eyes closed, he needs to see Isak just as much as he needs to feel him.

– Yeah; oh my God... you feel amazing, Isak hums as he fucks Even, looking more and more glassy eyed. He begins to move his hips in a more steady and rhythmic motion, driving himself inside of Even over and over. He’s panting heavily. He begins to build momentum and Even feels a completely euphoric sensation crashing over him.

And then Isak hits his prostate. Even trembles and groans as the pleasure surges through him. He begins to rock his hips back and forth, desperate to get more of that sensation. He gasps and moans for each breath as Isak slams his cock into him. When his orgasm comes, it comes so quickly that it takes Even by surprise, and he shoots all over their stomachs. – Holy fuuuuck!

Isak groans then, lowering Even’s leg from his shoulder and leaning over Even, once again their bodies merging together. Isak kisses Even, then he buries his face in Even’s neck. He growls, deep in his throat. – Oh fuck… he groans. – Oh fuck yeees...

His cock begins to pulse inside Even as he pumps faster. He slams his dick in with one final, fervent thrust, then lets go with a guttural moan as he comes. For a moment he stays there, breathing heavily, holding Even close. Even breathes too, letting the feeling of Isak over him ground him. After a little moment Isak carefully pulls out, and Even can’t help giving a small yelp at the sensation. Isak breathes heavily as he lies down on the bed next to Even. – Fucking hell, he breathes.

– Yeah, Even says in the same tone. He feels so satisfied and so lucky, but also so vulnerable, he can’t put it into words. He just holds Isak close. Isak wraps his arms around him, and pulls him against him into a sleepy embrace.

– I like how you smell, Isak mutters, as he puts his face into Even’s neck. – You smell like… Christmas.

Even chuckles. – That must be because of all the gløgg and cookies we have eaten today.

Isak hums. – Not just that. You smell of snow, pine and… cardamom.

The tired softness of his voice makes Even feel strangely emotional. He takes a slow breath, breathing in the scent of Isak. – I like how you smell, too.

He can feel how Isak smiles against his neck. – Stay here with me tonight? Isak whispers, and the questioning tone reveals an insecurity Even hasn't been aware of at all.

– Definitely, Even whispers back. _I’ll stay forever if I can,_ he thinks. _If you allow me to._ He nuzzles Isak’s neck, taking in his sweet scent again. It’s a nice, familiar scent now, soothing and so relaxing. Even closes his eyes and listens to Isak’s breathing and the soft, hypnotic sound of his heart. Even’s exhausted and so he gives himself over easily as he drifts off to sleep in Isak’s arms. He feels at peace.


	5. Isak: Glorious Night (Little Christmas Eve)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A magical Little Christmas Eve (see the notes in the first chapter for explanation).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the final chapter! I didn't have the patience to wait longer, and it's Christmas, and I have other things to attend to, like eating and eating and eating, lol, so here it is! :) I really hope you'll like it. Let me know what you think.

_Now a thousand Christmas lights are lit on our Earth's dark round,_   
_and from the deep blue skies a thousand rays are beaming down._   
  
_In every heart, bright and dark send a gentle beam,_ _  
_ and it will find the right way, and it will be Christmas again!

 

Little Christmas Eve, the day before Christmas Eve, is magical. Well, Isak doesn’t believe in magic. But when he wakes up with Even in his bed, it feels more than magical.

He wakes up early in the morning, finding Even sitting at the end of the bed naked, and drawing in a green notebook. For a moment Isak just lies there watching him, as he’s only lit up by the light from the bright Christmas star in the window. Outside the windows it’s still dark, and snowing.

Even looks peaceful, and seems lost in what he’s doing. At first he doesn't even realize that Isak’s awake until Isak crawls over and puts his arms around him, resting his head on his shoulder. – Good morning, Isak whispers as he kisses Even lightly on the cheek. He can’t believe that he dares to be this intimate, but what the hell, a hug and a cheek kiss can’t be too much when he’s had his dick inside of Even?

– Good morning, Isak, Even whispers back. He feels so good, so warm in Isak’s arms. Just being near Even, touching him, holding him, fills Isak with an unrelenting sense of joy. He can't believe that only a day ago he was desperately longing for Even, thinking that everything was over before it even started. He has never actually imagined himself being in bed with him. Well, that’s a lie. But he has never really believed it would _actually_ happen. It’s a bit alarming at first. Like he doesn’t dare to believe that this is happening.

His eyes lands on his Christmas calendar on the wall, a calendar he bought as his Secret Santa challenged him to it. _Even_. Even challenged him to do it. It strikes Isak again that it’s Little Christmas Eve.

– Your gift to me was to deliver presents to kids who need it, Isak says. – Today. When am I going to do it? And can you come with me?

Even’s eyes are smiling. – Of course I can come with you. And we can do it after we have eaten some breakfast.

– Yeah, I think the kitchen is about to explode from all the food I have bought for Christmas, so I’m sure we’ll find something to eat.

Even looks at him and raises his eyebrows. – Do you always fill up the cabinets like that?

Isak smiles a little. – No, I think I kind of overcompensated a little when I decided to try to find this Christmas spirit you were talking about, he admits.

Even’s smile is so fond that it makes Isak’s heart ache. – Well, did it work?

– A little.

 _At least now that you’re here_ , he wants to say _._ And then he surprises himself, saying it out loud.

Even beams at him, and pulls him even closer. – I give you Christmas spirit? he asks, looking slightly smug as he kisses Isak’s cheek. – Me?

Isak snorts. – Sometimes I wonder if you are the Christmas spirit personified.

– Oh, well, I am, Even laughs, giving one of his adorable winks again. He gets up from bed and pulls Isak up with him. – Come on, baby. Shower. And then breakfast. We have a lot to do today, right?

– Yeah? Isak smiles, and follows him, hopeful at the thought of spending time in the shower with Even.  

Even just nods and pulls him along.

– Aren’t you staying with your mom the whole holiday? Isak asks. He has a vague memory of Even telling him that.

– Nah, Even says, as he pushes Isak into the shower and follows him inside. He puts on the warm water and starts shampooing Isak’s hair. – The plan is to visit her and help her decorate the Christmas tree and watch “Dinner for one” with her this evening. We used to have nissegrøt on Little Christmas Eve, too. Maybe you could join us to eat the rice porridge? And could I stay here tonight?

Isak shuts his eyes, enjoying the warm water and Even’s fingers through his hair and on his scalp. The thought of spending the day and night with Even fills him with joy. – Yeah, that sounds good.

– I could go home to Mom for the Christmas dinner tomorrow, you know. Are you eating with your mom or dad or something?

Isak nods. – I’m making the dinner tomorrow, actually, he smiles, – and yeah, it’s with Mom.

Even is finished with Isak’s hair, so Isak takes over and puts shampoo into Even’s hair.

Even looks at him with a question in his eyes. – You make the Christmas dinner? For a guy who hates Christmas you do a lot of Christmassy stuff?

Isak shrugs as he plays with Even’s foamy hair. – I have always had a lot of responsibilities, I guess. So the last few years, I have been the one helping Mom out with the preparations for Christmas. And... it has mostly felt a little like a chore, you know?

He carefully rinses Even’s hair. – But then you… you kind of reminded me what it’s all about. That it’s about being good to each other and finding the joy in the small things, and… I like that.

Even opens his eyes and looks at him through the falling water. – That’s fucking sweet of you to say, Isak.

Isak smiles, surprised, and puts his arms around Even’s waist. – Well, I am fucking sweet, you know!

Even’s eyes are dark. – Yes you are. You’re fucking adorable and fucking hot, too.

And, _oh, God_ , Isak loves the dark tone of Even’s voice. Even kisses Isak lightly, then the kiss intensifies. Isak wants more, so he lays his hand determinedly around Even’s neck to keep him put. There’ s nothing hesitant about Even’s reaction to his firm grip. He opens his lips and lets Isak in.

Isak moans weakly as their tongues meet. There is something so heavenly about a kiss in the warm shower, a tender moment that just won't wait. The warm water runs down their faces to where their lips meet, each of them tasting the warm drops and streams of water. Instead of detracting from the intensity of the moment it brings them to new heights. Even pushes his lips more firmly and the wave that runs through Isak is intoxicating, making his head swim as he pulls back to take in Even’s beautiful face.

Isak kisses Even again, feeling the craving fill his body. He wants to fill his senses with the sweet and pure passion Even so willingly offers. Isak is drowning in the kiss and Even pulls him closer and lets his hands drag over his body. – Isak, he mumbles and leans towards him.

The need pulses through Isak and the relief when Even touches his dick makes him sigh. He reaches for Even to give him the same relief. The two of them cling to each other in the shower, kissing, touching and lazily stroking each other’s dicks. It’s like they both have decided that they want something slow but easy to start their day. Isak loves it. – Even, he moans, clinging to his body. When he comes, it’s like a slow shiver and sigh through his body, and a feeling of coming home. In the next moment Even gasps and spills into Isak’s hand, whispering his name over and over. And they lean towards each other under the water and laugh a little, and Isak realizes that he hasn’t felt this safe and good in a long time.

After getting dressed and eating a slow and tasty breakfast, they are ready to go outside. That’s when Even gets a phone call. Isak freezes as he sees that Even gets a tense look on his face.

– Hi, Sonja.

 _Oh fuck._ Isak wishes he could hear what Sonja says, but he only hears Even’s answers: – Okay? Well, you have told me already, it’s... Uh… Yeah?

He looks at Isak. – She wants to talk to you…

Isak stares at him in horror. What the fuck? What’s the point in that? He still takes the phone. For some reason, Sonja strikes him as a person you don’t say no to. Well, not easily.

– Hey, Isak? the warm woman's voice says in his ear.

Isak clings to the phone. – Yeah, hello?

– I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I don’t know if Even has told you yet, he’s not that good at confrontations. But last weekend I kind of… attacked him. Said that I was worried about you two. But it was all because I was messed up. I’m so sorry.

 _Oh._ He hadn’t expected that.

– I won’t do something like that again. I know you and Even are together and I’m glad for it.

– It’s alright, Isak answers, although the thought of Even and Sonja kissing still hurts. – I understand. You were concerned, I guess.

– No, it was because of my own shit, Isak. I’m not really concerned. Let me tell you something. Even is an amazing guy. He doesn’t realize it, though. And sometimes he beats himself up for little things, and thinks he’s not good enough for anyone.

Isak frowns. – That’s not true, though.

– Of course it isn’t. I just thought you should know.

Isak swallows. It somehow feels like he has gotten her blessing or something. – Thank you.

They exchange some awkward pleasantries and Isak hands Even his phone back.

– What was it? Even asks.

Isak stares at him, feeling a little out of it, thinking _what the hell was that?_ He probably looked like a question mark.

– She said that she’s sorry, he says in the end.

Even snorts. – Well, she should be.

– And she told me that you’re too hard on yourself, and that I should know.

Even stares at him. – Wow. That’s... She’s probably right. She’s never said that to anyone before. That’s as close to a blessing as you can get.

Isak doesn’t know how he feels about that, but in the end he realizes that he doesn’t care, as long as Even smiles and is happy.

He kisses Even slowly and finds comfort in the kiss, in a way words would probably never give him peace. His hand rests at Even’s temple, his thumb caressing his cheek. Even’s fingers run through his hair as their soft lips and tongues touch. Isak pulls him closer, into a hug. When they withdraw and look at each other, the lights from the Christmas tree fall on Even’s face like stardust. Isak realizes that he wants this, with Even, more than he wants anything else.

Before they get lost in their kisses, they go out to deliver presents to the Red Cross. Even knows one of the guys who works there and they get to meet one of the mothers receiving the gifts. – Thank you so much for doing this, she says. She looks tired, but very relieved and touched. – You have no clue what a relief it is to have something under the Christmas tree for my kids.

– We brought some things that could go to a teenager, Even explains.

– Oh, that’s great, one of the Red Cross people says. – People mostly brings stuff for small kids, but the older kids need something, too.

– Great, Even nods.

Isak can’t say a word. He just holds Even’s hand, smiles and struggles to keep back his tears. Kids should be able to have presents for Christmas. His own mom might have struggled to remember to buy a Christmas calendar, and he often had to help her fix everything, but she always managed to give him something under the tree when he was a kid. And although his dad was distant, he helped, too. Fuck, he’s been lucky, really.

As they walk back home, it starts to snow a little, but Isak is lost in his thoughts. He knows that giving or helping others like this is going to be a tradition for every year to come. And it’s not because he’s altruistic. It’s pure egoism, really. Doing this makes him feel good. It gives gives meaning to a holiday that he has felt was empty and meaningless for a long time.

– This was… good, he says, unable to say anything more.

Even looks at him and nods, and it’s like he gets the words Isak can’t say. Isak meets his gaze and can’t take his eyes away. Even is slightly red on his nose and cheeks because of the cold. The snow has made a white layer on his beanie, and snowflakes land on his eyelashes and cheeks from time to time, before they melt away. He takes Isak’s hand. – If I knew that you were used to helping your mom every year, I wouldn’t have given you this, he says, as they walk hand in hand through the snow. –  You are used to being a helper.

– It’s not the same, Isak protests. – And the point is, you showed me how Christmas can be meaningful. Thanks.

He leans his head on Even’s shoulder for a moment. – Maybe we could drop in on Mom, too, before we go to your mom’s? Everything’s ready for tomorrow; it’s been almost ready since the beginning of December, but it would be nice to say hello.

– Yeah, I’d like that, Even says with an understanding smile.

Isak must kiss him again, and they walk through the snow while all the sounds are dull and quiet around them. Afterward, the two of them have a relaxed lunch at a cafe, watching people stress about finding presents and things they need at the last moment.

– God, it’s good not to have that level of stress, Even laughs over a cup of coffee. – I so need this holiday.

Isak nods. He reaches out and touches Even’s arm. He just can’t keep his hands off him. – Are you going to be okay? At work?

– Yeah, Even smiles, as he takes Isak’s hand. Plays with his fingers. – This holiday is going to give me a little more energy. And I’ll work on setting my boundaries at work, so I won’t burn out. That sign you gave me will help! Hah!

Isak smiles. He had hoped that Even would take that joking gift lightly. He seems to do so.

Even sighs. – I will probably never be the best at handling conflicts, and I’ll probably keep taking on a little too much from my job. But I have a good boss and it helps to be happy in my free time.

He looks shy when he looks at Isak. – You make me happy, Isak.

The warm feeling rushing through Isak makes him blush. _You make me happy too_ , he wants to say, but it feels like it’s stuck in his throat. – You too, he just says, feeling very, very brave.

Even’s eyes crinkle as he smiles. – So. What about you and that degree you want?

Isak sighs, and thinks for a moment. Then he realizes that things are pretty okay. – I don’t know, he says. – Right now I’m fine. I might do something else later. But right now I’m happy with pushing playground equipment.

– That’s good, Even smiles. He brushes his fingers through Isak’s hair. – Everything’s good.

– Not good, Isak says, watching him. He leans over the table and gives him a slow kiss. – It’s fucking perfect. Because I’m with you.

And he can’t believe that he he doesn’t explode from feeling so in love and so, so embarrassed about how sappy he is. But Even kisses him back, and everything is easy and sweet and he wants everything to stay like this forever.

Afterwards, they walk through the Christmas streets. When Even surprisingly leads them to the Christmas market where they were supposed to meet last week, Isak’s chest hurts and he must give Even another kiss. – Are you making up for that Sunday we missed? he asks.

– Yeah, Even nods, looking warily at him. – Is it okay?

Isak nods, kissing him one more time. – It’s more than okay, Even. Come on, let’s see if we can find some cute Christmas ornaments we can give to our moms.

Even grins. – Yeah, they deserve it, making such perfect guys as us, right?

– Hell, yeah. They must have done something right.

They laugh, and they walk through the Christmas market, drinking gløgg, eating Christmas sweets and looking at the Christmas ornaments until it’s dinner time and it starts to get darker outside. Then they head for Isak’s mom’s place. They bring her some Christmas decorations and Christmas cookies, and Isak even makes her some Christmas rice porridge topped with sugar, cinnamon and butter, and it’s heartbreaking to see how happy it makes her. Just as they’re about to go, Isak’s dad turns up, looking sheepish and almost a little guilty. Isak gives him a little hug, happy to see that his dad can do something for his mom, too. And relieved that his mom doesn’t have to spend the evening alone.

It’s dark when they go over to Even’s mom’s house, and decorate her tree and eat rice porridge with her, too. Isak feels like he has eaten enough rice porridge for a lifetime. They watch “Dinner for One”, and Isak laughs, although he has seen the same jokes in black and white every Christmas since he was a kid. He cuddles up with Even on the sofa, and Even holds him and strokes his hair with slow, patient strokes. It’s like it’s supposed to be.

Even’s hands aren’t patient that night, but then again, Isak’s aren’t either. Isak’s flat is dark except for the lights on the tree. They quickly undress each other in the light from the glittering tree while they laugh and swear a little over difficult zippers and buttons. But when they’re naked, and rolling on the floor, they’re even more impatient. Isak has never needed anything like he needs this, right now, and Even is like pure energy and want in his arms.

They no longer notice the shine from the Christmas lights or the warmth from Isak’s fake fireplace. Even’s hands are on Isak’s face, his palms against his cheeks and his thumbs stroke over his lips, before his fingers glide into Isak’s hair. Isak draws his breath when Even tugs at his hair and drags his head back, when Even’s body presses against his own.

Isak pushes his tongue into Even’s mouth, tasting the hot flavour of him, feeling Even’s heart beat against his. Even’s hands glide hungrily down to grab hold of Isak’s hips. His touch is wild, greedy and it drives Isak to the edge of a wildness that’s new to him. His body yearns and longs for something more. Even’s teeth against his sensitive skin makes his blood stream quicker. Even lets his tongue glide over Isak’s belly, and his nails cut into Isak’s shoulders. Isak’s hands are rough and demanding against Even’s skin.

Isak feels like it’s almost too much. His body is bombarded with sensations all over. Even’s hands, the long, sensitive fingers. And his mouth. _God, his mouth_. For every breath Isak feels like he’s closer to coming. He pulls Even closer, wanting more and more.

Even’s breath is as desperate as Isak’s. – Look at me, he whispers. – I want you to look at me.

Isak opens his eyes and stares into his. He’s captured there.

– I want to look at you, Even says and demands Isak’s mouth again. – I wanna see you.

– I wanna see you too, Isak mutters, feeling the truth of his own words. He wants to see Even, like this, with him, always. He feels like he’s falling into Even’s blue eyes, and Even’s body is so hot over his own.

 _Hurry, hurry, hurry,_ is the only thought going through him as Even magically finds a condom and lube. Where did he find it? Isak doesn’t know, and he doesn’t care. – Can you… I want you to fuck me, he says instead, and watches as Even almost falls apart over him.

Isak’s mouth is almost glued to Even as Even takes his time prepping Isak, pushing slick fingers in and out of him, making him feel impossibly good. Isak grows more and more impatient, and he rolls them both over. – Please, Isak begs, kissing Even’s neck, – now, please, Even, _fuck._

When Isak ends up lying over Even, Even grabs Isak around the hips and lifts him up.

 _Now_ , Isak thinks. _Thank fuck. Now_.

Isak lowers himself onto Even, taking him inside. It frustrates him that he needs to take it slow, but he knows he needs the time to adjust. His body shivers as Even pushes inside and Isak opens up and takes more of him.

 _Fuck_ , he’s never felt anything like it. Well, technically he has, but not like this. Not with someone he feels like this for, not with _Even_. In that moment, it’s like the hurry and the impatience melts away. He is still full of want, but he needs to savour this… slow down the pace for a moment. His heart swells as he feels Even fill him, and it’s like they are one.

With his head thrown back and his body arched, Isak starts moving in rhythm with Even. First slowly, enjoying the sensations and their sweet kisses. Then they start moving faster and faster. Isak’s movements seem to drive Even wilder and wilder. Even grabs his hands and intertwines their fingers. All the time he watches Isak watching him. His blue eyes are so full of fondness that it’s breathtaking.

Isak feels fearless and vulnerable at the same time, sitting astride Even, and enjoying him. Holding his gaze, and feeling that they’re one. _So much love..._ It must be love, right? It feels like love. Isak’s heart aches and he can’t break the connection.

For some reason, the eye contact with Even is what tips him over. There is so much feeling, so much fondness and love. Isak feels like the world is blurring, almost like he’s losing a part of himself. Even’s eyes are everything. Isak almost can’t breathe. But Even holds him, and rocks up into him, and holds his gaze, and Isak feels cherished and cared for. He moans, and moves, more and more irregular and out of control, and everything is about Even. Isak finally reaches the top and feels himself tighten around Even as he finally lets go and cums over Even’s stomach and chest.

Isak keeps moving as he slowly comes to himself and his breath calms down. Even’s thrusts under him are getting more erratic, and Isak can only guess that he is getting close to finishing. Even stares up at Isak, looking lost in the moment. Isak holds his gaze, and Even lets out a long moan as he gives a final thrust up inside of Isak. Isak can feel his cock pulsing inside of him, and it feels so _good_. Even breathes fast and hard under him, and is still keeping eye contact. – That… that was fucking glorious, he murmurs, before pulling Isak closer and kissing him on the lips.

– Glorious, actually, Isak smiles against his lips, with laughter bubbling in his chest.

– Well, it _was_ , Even smiles, too. He’s still breathing hard.

– Mmm, Isak agrees, too tired to attempt more communication. He is completely spent. He slides down next to Even, still breathing heavily, and the two of them lie on the floor, holding each other, watching the lights and colours on the Christmas tree. Isak feels safe, and at ease.

After a little moment, Isak turns his head and looks at the clock on the wall. He leans his head down on Even’s chest again. – It’s past Midnight, he mutters. – It’s Christmas.

Even hums, sounding content and spent.

Isak sits up. Even looks questiongly at him as he picks up a t-shirt and starts to clean them both up. Isak throws the t-shirt away. – I’ve got a present for you, he says. – You can just as well open it now.

Even lifts his head and looks at him with surprise in his eyes. – You bought a present for me?

 _Yeah_ , Isak can’t explain it, either. He blushes, as he nods and crawls the few steps over to his bag of presents that’s under the Christmas tree. He had been certain that he and Even were over, and he still found the gift. His Secret Santa had really gotten to him, it’s weird. Well, not really. His Secret Santa was Even, after all. The Christmas spirit personified.

Isak smiles to himself as he looks through the bag of gifts. He finds his gift for Even and crawls back until he sits next to him. – Merry Christmas, he says.

Even beams at him as he sits up. – Thanks, he says, and looks at the card.

Isak clears his throat. – It just says «to Even from Isak», because, well, I thought we were over when I bought it.

Even only smiles at him and kisses him, as he starts to tear the colourful paper off. He picks out the book inside. It’s a bright red book with the title “Christmas Diary”.

– It’s silly, but I thought you could write something and add photos for some years ahead. If you celebrate Christmas in December or February, you can have everything there.

– February? Even looks confused.

Isak shrugs. – Yeah, you mentioned that one Christmas when you didn’t open your presents before your birthday. I mean, I know that you aren’t a happy Christmas spirit all the time. It’s fine.

Even looks at him with something like awe in his eyes. – You’re amazing, you know, he says.

Isak blushes Even harder. –  Shut up. That book just made me think of you. You can even add recipes and traditions and favourite Christmas movies in it.  

There are stars in Even’s eyes now. – We can write about our Christmases together, he says, kissing Isak and hugging him. – Thank you, Isak. And merry Christmas to you too.

 _Their Christmases together_. Isak feels hot in his head. – I’ll find something even better next year, he says.

– Oh yeah? Even smiles.

Isak kisses him. – Yeah. I kind of like you, you see, he says, and swallows. It feels like he’s pouring his heart out in that simple sentence.

Even laughs a happy laugh. – I kind of like you too, Isak, he answers. – And I have a present for you too, but you’ll have to wait; it’s at home.

Isak smiles. – That’s alright, I can get it on Christmas Day. The best gift is you, anyway.

His own words make him flush hard.

Even stares at him. – Isak. Did you just call me your Christmas present?

Isak chuckles a little. – I guess I did. I’m just so glad for this Secret Santa thing, that made this happen. You and me.  

Even grins widely. – Me too, he says. – But you’re aware that this whole thing is a plot amongst our friends, right? Our Secret Santa apps were rigged. They have done everything they could to push us together.

And of course. Isak wonders why he never saw it, when it’s so obvious. He laughs. – Fuck, he says. – We have some awesome friends.

– Yeah, we do, Even says and pulls him close again. And that is all Isak needs. He snuggles into Even, feeling at peace. Outside it’s dark, and snowing, and here inside they are warm and safe. It’s Christmas, they’re alone, and they’re together, and everything's how it’s supposed to be.

 

_Christmas, Christmas, glorious Christmas, glory over white forests, the crowns of heaven with sparkling lights, shining arches in all the house of God, hymn, singing from time to time, eternal longing for light and peace! Christmas, Christmas, glorious Christmas, glory over white forests!_

_Come, come, holy Christmas! Lower your white wings over the blood and war of the fighting, over all the sighs of humanity, over the generations who go to rest, over the days of the young ones living! Come, come, holy Christmas! Lower your white wings!_

_*   *   *_

_Jul, jul, strålande jul, glans över vita skogar, himmelens kronor med gnistrande ljus, glimmande bågar i alla Guds hus, psalm, som är sjungen från tid till tid, eviga längtan till ljus och frid! Jul, jul, strålande jul, glans över vita skogar!_

_Kom, kom, signade jul! Sänk dina vita vingar över stridernas blod och larm, över all suckan ur människobarm, över de släkten, som gå till ro, över de ungas dagande bo! Kom, kom, signade jul! Sänk dina vita vingar!_

 

 _  
_ Lyrics in this fic:

 _Nå tenner vi et lys i kveld_ , a poem by Inger Hagerup, my own translation.

 _Nu tändas tusen juleljus (Sw)/ Nå tennes tusen julelys (No)_ , Emmy Köhler, my own translation.

 _Jul, jul, strålande jul,_ Edvard Evans/ Gustav Nordquist

 


End file.
